Advent Celebration – Dec 5th

What did you get for Christmas? Was it something nice?
I’m sitting here in Casualty, my face is packed with ice.

I dread it every Christmas, they never give me toys,
Daddy will get drunk again, his nights out with the boys.

I know he doesn’t mean it,  he’s far to drunk to know,
He hits me hard for nothing, and bruises always show.

A Christmas to remember, the policemen had to call,
They took my Dad away this time, he said I’d had a fall.

He’s really done it this time, an ambulance had to come,
That’s why I’m sitting here in Casualty, waiting with me Mum.

Sometimes life is unfair. We all know this. So what is it that keeps us holding onto hope? Why do we search for better days, better meaning in every breath?

In the end we’re very temporal creatures, even capsuleers. Eventually, we will breathe our last, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; and in the grand scheme of the universe, we are but a speck of sand on a vast beach, meaningless and inconsequential.

Ho ho ho!

ADVENT DAY 5

PRIZE: ???

TASK: Not much time left today to complete the task. Again, life is unfair. Today’s task is to help a noob in the harsh universe that is EVE Online. Have your noob send confirmation via screenshot, copy and paste dialogue, or however you can verify your help, and have them post here in the comments or email me at adventcelebration@gmail.com

I will be announcing today’s winner at 10 PM EST, as always.

Sorry for the late announcement of today’s winner… Hallan Turrek!

Hallan has won himself 100 million in poker chips at Eve Online Hold’em. Hackzor has won himself 50 million isk, care of yours truly.

Advent Celebration – Dec 4th

Of all the life lessons, vulnerable confessions, subtle nuances, humour and more I like to think are in my memoirs, my journal of my past adventures, I still shake my head and smile at the things some of my readers pick up on.

“Hey Roc, in that Advent Contest story where you drank egg nog, do you have a recipe for it?”

Well, I was trying to illustrate my growth and understanding of Christmas, and to stay in that none judgemental light, I suppose I am thankful that people remember anything of my stories at all.

So, here is the eggnog recipe. Enjoy.

Military Eggnog

INGREDIENTS:

  • 6 large eggs, plus 2 yolks
  • 1/2 cup, plus 2 Tablespoons sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 4 cups whole milk
  • 1/2 cup dark rum
  • 1 Tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon grated nutmeg
  • 1/4 cup heavy cream, whipped to soft peaks
  • Additional grated nutmeg for garnish

METHOD:

  1. Combine eggs, egg yolks, sugar, and salt in a heavy 3- or 4-quart pan, whisking until well-combined.
  2. Continue whisking while pouring milk in a slow, steady stream until completely incorporated.
  3. Turn on burner to lowest possible heat setting. Place pan on burner and stir mixture continuously until thermometer reaches 160 degrees F. and the mixture thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon. Be patient. This should take about 25 to 30 minutes.
  4. Strain mixture through a fine sieve into a large bowl to remove any accidental small cooked bits of egg.
  5. Add dark rum, plus vanilla extract and nutmeg.
  6. Stir to combine.
  7. Pour into a glass pitcher, decanter, or container and cover with a lid or plastic wrap.
  8. Refrigerate this egg custard mixture to chill at least 4 hours or up to 3 days before finishing.
  9. When ready to serve, pour heavy cream into a bowl and whip until it forms soft peaks.
  10. Fold whipped cream into cold custard mixture until combined.
  11. Serve in chilled cups or glasses and garnish with a sprinkle of nutmeg.

Serves 12 – 16

ADVENT DAY 4

PRIZE: ???

TASK: One aspect of Christmas is making new friends. Everybody needs friends, even the good Colonel, Roc Wieler. So today’s task is to have as many of your friends as possible wish me a Merry Christmas, via email at adventcelebration@gmail.com or in the comments section below. Make sure they reference you, or how will I know they aren’t entering for themselves?

For example: “Yo Roc! All the best killing Amarr over the holidays, love fanboi14, friend of Sard Caid.”

The catch is this, at 10 PM EST I will see who has provided the most friend comments today and that person AND one of their randomly chosen friends will each win a prize.

Ain’t Christmas grand?

Congratulation to today’s winner, Wensley! Wensley has won himself a copy of Serenity Steel’s Eve Strategic Map book, courtesy of EON Magazine.

Additionally, Jaralaxle Tam has won himself a set of Dark Tide & Caldari Cruisers posters from EON Magazine.

I will need both Wensley and Jaralaxle Tam to email me your real life shipping information at adventcelebration@gmail.com.

My best to the both of you, and I’ll see everyone tomorrow.

Advent Celebration – Dec 3rd

Signs you’ve had too much holiday cheer:

  1. You strike a match and light your nose.
  2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
  3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
  4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
  5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
  6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
  7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
  8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
  9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
  10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
  11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
  12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
  13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
  14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
  15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

Parties. Well wishes. Sometimes a guy just wanted to be left well enough alone.

Yet there I stood, holding a small glass of something called egg nog, wearing a red fuzzy hat with white trim, listening to the most ridiculous music I had ever heard.

I stood stiff, uncomfortable, not smiling, not amused. I couldn’t even remember why I had said yes when asked if I would be attending the TLF Christmas party.

I had assumed it would be tribal. I had hoped it would be a fierce celebration of our heritage as Matari. I was so very wrong.

Someone shoved a small, boxed gift into my hands, and with a bright, toothy smile wished me a Merry Christmas. I nearly punched him in the face.

ADVENT DAY 3

As promised, here is the current remaining prize list for Roc’s Advent Celebration:

  • a domination assault missile launcher
  • 50% off Code for LoneTrek Hosting
  • 3 Months Free Code for LoneTrek Hosting
  • 1 co-host on Missions Collide podcast
  • 1 podcast interview with CrazyKinux
  • 1 free ad on Capsuleer
  • 1 EON #017
  • 1 Eve Strategic Maps book
  • 1 Set of EON posters. Dark Tide & Caldari Cruisers
  • 1 Profile of your character in #019 (out April 2010), written by Zapatero. Feel the love 🙂
  • 1 EON #18 (out Jan 2010)
  • 100 million isk in Eve Online Hold’Em poker chips
  • 1 copy of “Mentally Incontinent” a book by Joe Peacock LINK
  • Fully T2 Fit Hulk Exhumer
  • 6x PLEX from CCP (5 remaining)
  • $100 racial gift pack from the EVE Store, care of CCP
  • 1 headsup game of EOH Poker against Hellcats CEO, Mynxee. Winner will take away up to $200 million ISK if they are lucky.
  • Be featured in the next Epic Celebrity Deathmatch against Nashh Kadavr, to be podcast in 2010
  • 1 autographed Roc Wieler poster
  • hopefully more to come!

PRIZE: ???

TASK: We all have embarassing Christmas moments. Today you’re going to share yours in the comments section below, or by emailing adventcelebration@gmail.com. Please include your character name when emailing.

I will compile all of today’s entries at 10 PM EST, and randomly draw a winner for today’s mystery prize.

Congratulations to Jorshan on winning today’s prize, a signed copy of Mentally Incontinent, by Joe Peacock.

Here is Jorshan’s embarrassing Christmas moment:

We have a special place in our hearts for the lady who introduced my wife and I to each other. She has two children, a boy and a girl
(we’ll call them John and Kristy for the purposes of this article),
and they are now both grown up and have lives of their own. My wife had for years earlier taken care of her children, and since then I’ve grown to be quite fond of them too, and they are considered part of our family. At the point of the tale, we had recently had our son (he was about 10 months old), and my oldest daughter was roughly 12.

A few years ago, the oldest son (John) was studying to be a fireman and was taking classes up near where we lived, so John decided to come visit us for Christmas. He asked if he could bring his new girlfriend along so we could meet her, and we all thought it would be great to meet her and see him for the holidays. Let me first explain he has a bit of a wild streak in him and loves practical jokes and other sorts of crazy antics like that.

John showed up with gifts for all of us, and we had the mad Christmas present opening of all our gifts. I was working on mine, standing up in front of the sofa adjacent to the tree while I unwrapped the box. Evidently John had snuck up behind me, grabbed my shorts, and yanked. I think he was intending to pull off my shorts, but instead pulled off my shorts – and underwear.

So there I was. Next to the tree, shorts and tighty whiteys around my ankles in front my family (wife, daughter, infant son) and John and his new girlfriend staring at me while I was porky pigging it (think about that one for a moment – I’ll wait).

I will always remember that moment. I turned beet red of course.
Meanwhile everyone laughed like hell. I know what those cartoon
characters feel like that have just lost their pants (except for Porky – somehow he doesn’t mind), and inch slowly away out of the frame. I pulled my shorts back up, and tried to look normal. All of us (including me) couldn’t stop laughing about it for quite some time after that.

We still laugh about that moment now from time to time. I just feel sorry for John’s girlfriend, she got more than she bargained for during her Christmas visit.

And you know, what I can never remember is what I actually got for Christmas from John…

Advent Celebration – Dec 2nd

The Nicest Present – by Joanna and Karl Fuchs

Under the tree the gifts enthrall,
But the nicest present of them all
Is filling our thoughts with those who care,
Wanting our Christmas joy to share.
To you, whom we’re often thinking of,
We send our holiday joy and love.

Giving. It was such a contrary thought to most of the pilots of New Eden. The harsh life this universe enforced upon us was about taking, often by any means necessary, that which you wanted, needed, cherished. To voluntarily give was a difficult concept for most capsuleers; some even stumbling on the word itself.

Giving. Who would’ve thought it would’ve been such a monumental concept to grasp?

There were some that had proven the ability to overcome the self-centered stereotypes associated with our kind, offering up not just items worth millions of ISK, but even offering up something more valuable and irreplaceable; their time.

My comm received a steady stream of incoming messages from pod pilots embracing the idea of Christmas giving, and had made several generous donations to help in the Advent Celebration.

I was thankful for the continued support from our community, proud to be a capsuleer, and hoped that what we could give back might instill even the smallest emotional and spiritual reprise from the bloody wars that surrounded us all.

ADVENT DAY 2

PRIZE: ???

TASK: In the spirit of Christmas sharing, today’s task is to submit a photo of “The most creative use of a candy cane with a complete stranger.” Who knows? Maybe we might even make some new friends.

Either post a link to your submissions in today’s comments, or in the spirit of fairness to those reading from Capsuleer, and to cover all timezones, email your entries to adventcelebration@gmail.com

I will compile all of today’s entries at 10 PM EST, and randomly draw a winner for today’s mystery prize.

Why a mystery prize? I decided it was more advent like. You never know what you will open behind that little door. Is it chocolate? Is it another PLEX? Is it the $100 racial gift package from the EVE Online Store? Only way to find out is to participate.

TODAY’S WINNER!

Holiday Stickup – Sard Caid

Congratulations to Sard Caid for winning today’s prize, 1 Profile of your character in EON Magazine #019 (out April 2010), written by Zapatero. Feel the love 🙂

I will forward your email contact information to Zapatero immediately.

Advent Celebration – Dec 1st

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow… the moon on the breast … on the …
Sorry, what?

I hated Christmas. It was one of those contrived and made up excuses for corporate commercialism to profit from those weak and pathetic enough to feel the intrinsic need to “bond” with family and friends they otherwise wouldn’t talk to. Of course, bonding in this case meant spending hard earned money on overpriced crap nobody wanted in the first place.

Capsuleers didn’t suffer from this ailment.

Space was a lonely place. Living forever only added to the isolation we already experienced. I could rant about this for days on end without fail, but oddly, my heart was stuck on the topic I just scorned; Christmas.

What was it about that holiday in particular that brought out the best in people? What drove us to such great lengths to experience some piece of humanity, some yearning to reach out to each other?

Was it the religious aspect? The time off work? Was it the inherent need for real and meaningful relationships that many believed was a fundamental part of our existence?

I didn’t know. I didn’t care.

My heart wouldn’t let the topic go.

I had been told that part of Christmas was the joy of giving; that by simply giving of one’s self to another without expected return was one of the greatest experiences of the season. Christmas Spirit I believe it was called.

Fine.

Let’s start there. Let’s embrace Christmas and partake of the festivities that so many go on about.

Each and every day on the Advent Calendar (December 1 – December 24), I’m going to give away Christmas gifts. Some will be tangible. Others will not be. All will be given with the spirit of the season.

I hope you participate. I hope you enjoy.

ADVENT DAY 1

PRIZE: 1 PLEX donated from CCP.

TASK: Be the first to provide a link to a “death by snowball launcher” killmail in the comments of today’s blog and you win.

The winner will need to email me the character name to receive the PLEX, as it will be added to the hangar of the station you currently occupy when the PLEX is awarded, or if you aren’t docked, the last station you docked at.

Dry dock

“Best I can do, mate; and even two days isn’t guaranteed.”

I grumbled to myself. My newly acquired ships, the Dramiel frigate and the Cynabal cruiser apparently weren’t sustainable with their current fittings. It looked as though I had been scammed once again. Jared Feint had disappeared off the grid with quite a decent chunk of my ISK. I wasn’t surprised really. I just liked to think I had grown smarter since the last time I was scammed (editor’s note: Fleet Issue Stabber).

I had managed to find me a somewhat reputable mechanic in nullsec who told me the ships weren’t a lost cause. He proposed some drastic changes to them, but in the end guaranteed I’d have fully functional ships that might even surprise me with their performance, should his intended modifications work out.

Really, I didn’t have a choice. And of course, the proposed changes weren’t going to be cheap.

As we flipped through pages of schematic modifications, I was impressed with the ingenuity of this mechanic. He had some radically aggressive ideas: increased drone bays, overcharged collision accelerators to increase damage output, and high sync velocity muzzles for increased volley damage to name but a few. There were some tradeoffs of course: decreased weapon hard points and slower rate of fire to name but two.

“Wait, what was that?” I asked as he flipped through a diagram. “Was that a Republic Fleet Firetail?”

“Yeah, haven’t seen one out this way in years. Was just a few ideas I had for how to improve them.” the mechanic replied.

“Add that to the list. If your changes work, I’ll buy that schematic as well. I have a few Firetails back home.” If his changes did in fact take, having a modified Republic Fleet Firetail could only be a good thing.

“Alright,” he said. “We’ll get started. Like I said, it’s going to take a minimum of two days, and you’re paying labour costs by the hour.”

He extended his hand, and I shook it firmly with my own. We had a deal.

All that was left was for me to figure out was what I was going to do for the following two days on a nullsec pirate station. Hmm, maybe I could find a poker table.

[OOC] Cell Rage

Wikipedia defines road rage as “Aggressive or angry behavior by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle.” That seems a little weak to me. Roc’s definition?

“Road rage is the extreme emo reaction of bad drivers to the actions of even worse drivers.”

Anyway, today isn’t about road rage (though if you follow my Twitter you would know I got ass-ended while walking by a taxi cab last night, literally, and suffered extreme road rage). Today is about a new phrase I want to encourage all my viewers to start using … “Cell Rage”

Cell Rage isn’t getting all hyped over the latest smart phone or cellular technology, no. Cell Rage shall henceforth be known as:

“the justifiable reaction of regular people to the extreme and repetitive stupidities of ignorant cell phone users; read ‘those idiots that shouldn’t have cell phones to begin with.'”

To get us started with our social propagation experiment, I present to you my top 5 list of things people do that cause me to experience Cell Rage personally.

#5 Physical Gestures

Just last night on the train ride home, I watched this woman talking with her one free hand, gesturing wildly, nodding her head vigorously during the conversation. She isn’t the only one I’ve witnessed doing this. Let me be clear:

The person on the other end of the phone cannot SEE you! My God is it ever annoying to watch someone engage in a dramatic performance for a public audience of everyone but the person they are talking to!

#4 Loud and Lost

Ok, this one is frustrating. I can appreciate that maybe you’re hard of hearing and need to have a super annoying ring tone set to full volume on your phone. What I can’t understand is why you have to:

A. Leave your phone in your “magic purse of endless storage”. You know, that bag they carry with enough supplies to assist any third world nation suffering from natural disaster, yet somehow they can’t seem to find their phone buried within it?

Seriously? What’s the point of having the phone if you’re not even going to be able to find it to answer it? Is it for emergency outgoing calls only? Then why do you have the ringer so bloody loud? If you’re going to use your phone, put it in your pocket!

B. Choose to ignore your phone when it’s ringing. Nobody wants to hear your crappy “I’m a Slave for you” Britney Spears ring tone fagboy. Just reach down, push the button that every single cell phone known to man has on it that silences the ringer, and do us all a bloody favour. Or just shoot yourself in the face. Repeatedly.

#3 Modern Boombox

Firstly, I don’t care what anyone else says, it doesn’t matter what song you play through a cell phone’s external speaker at full volume; it’s going to sound like shit! Secondly, like I said to BritneyLover72 above, nobody wants to hear your crappy songs! You’re not impressing anyone but yourself, and even then, you’re failing epically.

It reminds me of the 80s, you know, when you had to workout for five months straight simply to be able to hold one of those big silver, cassette playing boom boxes on your shoulder for more than three minutes? It wasn’t cool then, Leroy, and it ain’t cool now.

Put on some headphones, and if they’re the cheap ass Apple ones that come with your iPod/iTouch/iPhone remember that they suck and everyone can hear your shitacular music anyway. Unless you’re playing One Night of Roc; that’s encouraged.

#2 TMI

“Like oh my god, it was totally gross. It looked like a snake wearing a sweater. I wasn’t putting THAT in my mouth. Could you, like, imagine, totally gag? Oh my god no! I, like, totally made him do that in a tissue. No, you’re a skanky ho. Ok, I gotta go bitch, like, some creepy guy is watching me talk on my phone. TTYL!”

Seriously, fucking SERIOUSLY, do I have to say anything more?

#1 I can’t hear you

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TALK EVEN LOUDER BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU ON THE OTHER END OF THE CALL!!!

This just makes me drop my head in disgust at people. How freakin’ hard is it to figure out the junior school grade science behind this? Ears are for listening; mouth is for talking. If you cannot hear someone on the other end of your crappy phone, you speaking louder into the phone is NOT going to solve the issue. Try turning up the volume on your handset; that is what controls the volume for hearing, numbnuts.

Speaking louder is only going to result in #2, and possibly #5, and will definitely incite cell rage in the person on the other end that can hear you just fine and you are now bursting their eardrums with your stupidity. Nice one, jackass.

I’m going to stop here. I’m getting angry just thinking about this topic any longer.

So spread the word. “Cell rage” is our new phrase unless I’ve already missed the boat and there’s some type of catch phrase circulating to describe this horrible phenomenon.

While you’re at it, list your cell rage stories or top 5 irritants. I look forward to lessening our pain through sharing.

Memories Past

“If you don’t go now, they’re going to kill you.” Mihan says, her voice straining, her body so cold to the touch. I keep my hands pressed against the torn strips of my shirt pushed against her abdomen to try to stop the bleeding; it’s already soaked crimson.

“I’m not leaving you.” I say, trying to sound far braver than I really am. I’m terrified. We’ve come so far together in this life, and we were so close to escaping. I wasn’t going to abandon her now. To do so would be to abandon my own heart.

“Roc…” she says, smiling faintly, her hand slowly rising to touch my cheek gently. She is shaking with the effort. I raise one of my own blood soaked hands to hold hers, to steady her, holding her hand in place to not feel the tears welling up behind my sunglasses.

“Roc, you know I’m right. I’m dead, yes, I am.” Mihan pleads with me despite the shaking of my head. I refuse to let her go. I will not. She cannot die. She can’t.

“Listen to me Roc Wieler!” she says, her voice slightly rising, and she begins a coughing fit with the exertion. I let her hand drop and hold her head close to my chest, so she can feel the beat of my heart. It beats only for her.

She pushes away, her bright beautiful eyes looking directly at my soul.

“You’ve always treated me like a princess, you’re delicate little girl. Listen to me now as an adult, I implore you. I’m going to die, and there’s nothing you can do about it now, no matter how much you want to. So at least let me make a difference. Let me buy you some time to get to the shuttle.”

I shake my head no, my lip trembling, tears starting to roll down my face.

Mihan nods her head, smiling her perfect smile. “You know I’m right. It’s the only way. If you stay here, we’ll both die, and that cannot be allowed to happen. You have too much to live for, my love. You are too important, and not just to me. You’re a great man. You’re going to change the universe. I know it.”

She takes a moment to catch her breath, and I notice the bleeding is getting worse. She’s starting to look ghostly pale.

It was my fault.

We had been planning our escape for months, and I had gone over everything in my mind thousands of times. I knew the patrol rotations, I knew the access codes; I even knew who to bribe and who would have to be killed to ensure our freedom.

But the day I had chosen turned out to be the same ill fated day a visiting nobleman and his family came to call, and everything I had planned for was undone.

Of course, I didn’t know that until we were already under way. The shocked look of horror on that noblewoman’s face as we turned the corner, thinking the passageway clear. It probably rivaled my own.

Her escorts were quick to raise their weapons, and by the time I could grab Mihan and run, it was too late. We sprinted through the compound’s labyrinth, finding a safe place to hide, bypassing the security code on the door, but the alarm had been sounded, the entire household staff on alert.

And Mihan had been shot.

“I won’t leave without you.” I say, biting down on my lip to halt its trembling. “There is no life for me without you. If you are to die, I would rather our souls live together in eternity than to live in this empty shell without you.”

She begins to cry, the love in her eyes for me never having shined brighter.

“I love you.” she whispers, and I ache more deeply than I ever knew I could. I have to be strong. I have to figure out a way for us to escape, for us to live. It can’t end here.

Mihan’s eyes look around, and I follow, slowly realizing where he have hidden. It’s a munitions storage room, raw materials. There are no weapons, but there is enough raw resources here to make one helluva bomb.

Our eyes lock again, and she nods. “Let me do this for you.” she says with finality, and it settles in through my thick skull that there is no other choice.

The best way for me to love her now is to live on. I will make a difference. I will change the universe. And nothing will stop me. Ever.

I place her hands on the makeshift bandages and begin assessing the contents of the room. I had learned the basics of explosives as part of my duties in the mines.

My hands become a flurry of activity, setting up wires, detonators, placing powder and plastic in buckets, rigging the room to blow.

When I finish, I am winded, and take a moment to rest. Mihan is resting too, her eyes closed. I can still see her chest rise and fall with shallow breaths, and gently wake her. I am too selfish to let her pass peacefully. I don’t want her to go.

“I’m ready.” I say with that same boyish charm she had fallen in love with so many years before.

Her eyes sparkle one more time for me, and she leans her head forward.

We kiss passionately, and I never want the moment to end. Our mouths devour one another repeatedly, our tongues frolicking playfully, not understanding this will be the last time they will ever meet.

I pull away and walk towards the door. She nods.

I open the doorway and start yelling “They’re over here, in the munitions room!” then pull the door closed, locking it behind me.

Quickly, I hurry across the room, climbing the boxes I had gathered to the opened ceiling duct above my head. I cast one more look down at the love of my life, seeing just how much blood has pooled around her, and nod her way.

She holds the detonator in her hand, smiles at me, and nods.

Is the last time I will ever see her, but I cannot think about that now, or I will fail, and her sacrifice will be in vain.

“I love you.” I say, pushing myself forward into the ventilation shaft.

“I love you.” I hear her reply.

Another Amarr ship disintegrated before me, my Vigil class frigate soaring forward onto the next target. A single Republic Fleet Warrior drone flew by my side, but it was more than my enemies were expecting.

My wingmates remain engaged with the heavier battleships protecting the Amarr military complex, but it was a futile effort. We were flying effectively and destroying them all, one at a time, and they were too stupid to know when to run.

As I brought my ship around once more, targetting a nearby Amarr cruiser, I thought of Mihan, which I had been doing a lot of at that time.

I silently thanked her for all she was, and all she still meant to me.

I vowed anew that I would indeed make a difference in this universe. And I would do it not just because the Republic needed it, not just because the universe craved it, but because of the love of a woman so pure, so bright, that none would ever be her equal.

A woman that believed in me more than I had ever believed in myself. It was my duty, my destiny; and I would not fail.

Seven Minutes

Their ground transport thundered along the rough terrain, bumping its occupants freely, despite their secured harnesses. It had been a long and uneventful mission thus far, and they were all starting to show signs of fatigue.

The unit commander knew that sometimes the key to maintaining high spirited team morale was humour at the expense of others… particularly civvies.

“Attention passengers. The 8:14 express train heading West to Union is experiencing ‘equipment issues’ and will be delayed indefinitely. We will keep you informed of its status as we learn more. Thank you for riding with Interbus.”

He grumbled to himself, standing on the platform, as did many of the other waiting commuters. Some of them went to another track, to take the local “all stops” train, which sadly stopped short of his destination.

What the hell, he thought to himself. I might still make the connecting train since the express train won’t be showing up anytime soon.

52 minutes later, with 3 minutes to spare, the local “all stops” arrived in Union station. The conductor thanked everyone for using InterBus, and wished them a pleasant day, apologizing for any inconvenience their delay might have caused. What he didn’t mention was the platform number for those passengers wishing to continue West, and by the time Gunnery Sergeant Lance Degan ran downstairs to the nearest digital schedule board, the connecting train had left.

He didn’t get angry, as many would do. Instead, he thought of how funny civilian life could be, watching other delayed passengers venting their frustration on some minimum wage customer service representative.

His mind drifted, as he smiled, creating ironic parallels to his military life.

“What do you mean ‘equipment issues’?”, the unit commander screamed through the secured comm line. “You had one job, pilot, and that was to make sure you and your effin’ ship were here at 8:14 exactly for this operation. There are lives on the line, and we have a small window of opportunity to execute this run. Late is not acceptable. Do I make myself clear?”

The pilot on the other end responded cooly. “I’m sorry, sir, but it is what it is. I can have another ship there within the hour. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”

Could you imagine? the gunnery sergeant thought to himself. His unit commander would blow a gasket.

Civilians. They thought themselves so important. So they were fifteen minutes late for work. It was almost as if their ultimately meaningless jobs were somehow of universal importance. “You don’t understand! If I don’t get that report written fifteen minutes earlier, all of Minmatar space will implode!”

He chuckled.

Civvies… can’t live with ’em, can’t kill ’em.

She waited in the doctor’s office for four bloody hours before he finally was available to see her. Four hours! What the hell was the point of even making an appointment if he was going to be late by four hours? Could she bill him for that lost time? Of course not. It was ridiculous really.

Lance Corporal Sheila Gates had plenty of time in the waiting room to spin many stories about the doctor in her mind.

“Requesting immediate assistance! Ground Sector C has sustained serious damage. Send all evac teams stat!” the Dispatch Officer relayed through her team’s helmets. Lance Corporal Sheila Gates gave the orders, and her team mobilized on foot. The debris from the bombings was too perilous for even their ATVs to negotiate.

They ran from street to street, covering each other, helping injured civilians along the way. The dead they left where they were found, there was no time for field cremations today.

“Help… help me.” she heard faintly, and immediately turned her attention to the wounded man she could see partially obscured beneath nearby building rubble.

With a hand gesture, her team mate covered her back, and she raced forward, coming face to face with her own personal physician.

“I.. I can’t move.” he said, clearly in shock. ” Help me. I’m in so much pain.” he croaked.

“This is Lance Corporal Sheila Gates, requiring immediate medivac on my location. Flare is up, lock into my position. I repeat, this is high priority alpha clearance.”

She let her helmet sound system play externally, hoping that the sound of help coming shortly would reassure the doctor laying wounded in front of her. Sometimes, that’s all that was needed, a comforting word.

“Negative Lance Corporal. We’re backed up here. Best we can do is … say 4 hours?”

Sheila shrugged.

“Sorry doc.”

Teran Race looked in his rearview mirror again at the man leaning on his vehicle’s horn, swearing silently behind his windshield, his hands flailing wildly at being delayed.

Teran looked forward again, at the line of cars completely stopped in front of him, wondering where exactly this road raging moron expected him to go?

The sound of the horn was causing his ears to ring.

He sighed. There were far too many things civvies felt falsely empowered about.

The convoy of military vehicles had come to a stop unexpectedly. They were travelling in the dead of night through open enemy territory, trying to minimize their presence.

Lieutenant Commander Teran Race was the driver of the rearmost vehicle. “C’mon already!” he muttered to himself, being the sole occupant of the vehicle. “What? Is there a red light out here? Get moving!”

He leaned on the horn, blissfully ignorant to its piercing and echoing throughout the night time landscape. Again and again he pushed the horn, knowing that if he used his horn enough, the vehicles would magically be on their way again. Such was the power of the horn.

He saw the C.O. of the mission, along with two MPs running towards him, and was thankful. At least now he’d find out what idiot was delaying things. Don’t people know how important it is that they keep moving that extra thirty seconds?

One MP yanked open his door, as the C.O. and the remaining MP yanked him from his vehicle, quickly pinning him to the ground, pulling his arms behind his back, and securing him in cuffs.

“What the bloody effin’ hell?” Taren screamed, only to be quickly muffled by a makeshift gag.

The C.O.’s gaze was venmous, but before he could speak, there was a high pitched whine.

“Cover!” the C.O. yelled before the night sky turned white around them all, the enemy having pinpointed their location with ease.

Yeah, civvies were idiots. Taren thought to himself, looking in his rearview mirror. Guy would probably shit himself if I got out of my car.

Teran wasn’t in a hurry. Maybe he would just not move his car even when he could, or maybe he would back up first, making sure the vehicle behind him couldn’t even get around. He wasn’t sure. Whatever he chose, he was confident it would brighten his day with a smile.

“But I’ve been waiting seven minutes for my order!” the small man shouted at the nightshift manager of the fast food restaurant. “I have better things to do than wait seven minutes for my meal!” he raged.

And yet you can waste more time berating these underpaid workers that couldn’t give a rat’s ass about your life, and will probably spit in your meal now, you dumb shit? Evella thought to herself.

Not only was this buffoon making a spectacle of himself, but it was causing the other workers to be distracted thereby delaying everyone’s orders. Nicely done. Feel special now? You’re the center of attention. All for $3.99.

She took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. Civilians; they really just don’t get it at all.

“I want my rations now!” the recruit screamed, bordering on a full-fledged tantrum. “I don’t care if lunch isn’t for seven more minutes, I’m hungry now!”

Matar Colonel Roc Wieler stormed across the hangar bay floor plating, his long stride bringing him to bear on the young pilot quickly.

“Pilot, what is the problem here?” the Colonel growled.

“Lunch isn’t for seven minutes, but I don’t want to wait that long. I want to eat now.” the pilot said defiantly.

Colonel Wieler stood fully erect, his shoulders pulling back, making his already broad and muscular shoulders even more menacing. The other pilots, who had moments before been standing around the new recruit, had quickly and instinctively backed away.

“Really?” the Colonel said, with obvious sarcasm lost on the young recruit.

“Yes.. yessir!” the pilot said, hope in his voice.

The silence stretched on. Not a soul breathed, blinked or dared to move.

Finally, the Colonel kneeled down and began untying his boot lace.

The young recruit began to speak, but the Colonel silenced him by simply extending his index finger, and when the new recruit was silent, continued untying his boot laces, slowly and methodically.

The new recruit squirmed awkwardly, looking around for support and finding none. He didn’t quite know what to do with himself.

The Colonel took off his untied boot, neatly placing the laces inside.

“Blade Commander Evella!” Roc Wieler snapped, and the recruit jumped reflexively.

“Sir! Yessir!” Evella replied, coming to stand at attention in front of the Colonel.

“Please hold this.” he said, handing her his well-worn but well-shined boot.

“Sir!” she yelled, holding his boot as if it were the most precious object in the universe, and slowly backing away.

The Colonel began flexing his toes underneath his sock, while talking to the noob pilot.

“I want to explain how things work around here, son.” he began. “In our world, I say, you do. That’s how it is. When I say jump, you jump with every ounce of strength you have. When I say run, you run as if the entire Imperial Crusade is chasing you. When I say eat, you eat as if it’s your first and last meal. Do you understand me?”

The young pilot eagerly nodded his head, excited at the prospect of food, momentarily forgetting that the good Colonel was standing in front of him with only one boot.

“I’m glad.” Colonel Wieler continued. “Now you’re probably wondering why I took my boot off. It’s actually to help you learn a very important lesson about patience.”

The young recruit was clearly puzzled.

“You see,” Roc continued. “I once lost my favourite boot. Long story and not important now. But, I learned a lesson from it. We all have lessons we need to learn sometimes. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Again, the pilot nodded vigorously.

“Lunch is in, oh, four minutes now,” he said, looking at his NeoCom. “But you’ll be eating before then, in a matter of speaking.”

The young pilot started to smile, as did the rest of us.

“This foot,” Roc said, pointing downwards, “is going up your ass. Right here, right now. Maybe even ankle deep, depending on just how hungry you are. And if you feel like sitting when I’m done, you’re more than welcome to join us for lunch.”

The new recruit went pale. The rest of us tried to maintain military discipline.

Evella laughed, remembering the rest of that tale, and several customers, including the small man that had still been ranting at the night manager, stared in her direction.

“Seven minutes.” she said, a broad smile on her face. “Seven effin’ minutes.” She was almost in hysterics as she turned and left, leaving behind a great many bewildered strangers.

The squad laughed, and the unit commander smiled. Sometimes you just needed to keep morale high.

Boot to the head

I didn’t want to be the one to have to say it. I also couldn’t be the one not to say it.

We were all still new recruits to the Tribal Liberation Force. And while our appearance was uniform, we were as varied as were our life stories, I was sure. Some were younger than others, and some of those young ones had that innocent and naive exuberance that just made those of us not so young cringe inwardly; youthful idealism and all that.

It was mandatory for every pilot in the Tribal Liberation Force to undergo basic hand to hand combat training.

As I mentioned, many were green around the gills, never having experienced anything even remotely akin to physical labour, let alone an up close and personal violent encounter.

I had grown up a slave; fighting was what we did to just survive another week. There was never quite enough food to go around, and while I know it amused the Amarr slavers who “enlightened” us, it reduced us to the lowest rank of animal, turning on one another aggressively, our individual survival paramount even over long friendships. I had heard stories since from other former slaves of a much more civil existence amongst the Amarr, but I attributed that to the drug addiction that was commonplace amongst slave raised capsuleers.

When I had claimed my freedom through the blood of many Amarr, it was through violence. When I killed the pilots of the shuttle I stole to get offplanet, it was through violence. When finally I was recruited by a mercenary group in Hrober, having made my reputation known in that constellation, it was through violence.

I took no pleasure in violence.

Like anything else, it was something to be employed when needed. And like anything else, it made sense to be efficient with the tools we employed.

You wouldn’t find a pod pilot speed tanking a Drake; it just wasn’t a good use of the tool. Similarily, modern “martial arts” fit very nicely into the same analogy.

Which brings us back to the beginning of my story.

I didn’t want to be the one to have to say it. I also couldn’t be the one not to say it.

Our training commander had brought in a special guest to demonstrate to us the rewards of mastering the martial arts through years of discipline and hard work.

His performance included kicking melons from the heads of others, hanging in a perfect split between two chairs, leaping, rolling, screaming, all kinds of acrobatic feats, which while impressive by their own right, just didn’t seem effective to me.

At first I said nothing, merely content to keep my growing disdain to myself.

The “master” had one of his students “choke” him, that is to say, lay his hands on his neck in the loose position of where a choke would occur while applying none of the force to the choke itself. The “master” then proceeded to demonstrate a lengthy and impractical method for countering the “choke”.

This was followed up by a student attempting to “punch” the master, except the punch was directed beside the master’s head, and stopped four inches short of his face, posing no real threat in the first place. The “master” then countered, and did some type of leaping crescent kick at the student, who promptly fell to the floor, as the “master” landed on his feet, took a side stance, and yelled while exhaling, frightening his enemy into submission by the power of his inner “chi”.

Many of my fellow pilots clapped in appreciation for the display. I harumphed, tasting the rising bile of bullshit in the back of my throat; that’s a figurative phrase.

Then the “master” decided to show one of the higher disciplines, not to be treated lightly, and proceeded to engage “multiple opponents”. You’re probably noticing a lot of quotation marks in my draft, and if you aren’t, please look more closely. I really want to make sure you don’t miss any of the sarcasm I am putting into this.

Where was I? Oh yes, multiple opponents. And when I say multiple opponents, what I should say is “five men standing around one man, each waiting their turn to individually attack said man.”

I’ve been attacked by multiple opponents. I’ve laid on the ground, covering up, while they kicked at my ribs, my face, my head, anywhere they could connect boot to body.

In real life, they aren’t polite enough to fight one at a time. Hmmm, that’s going to be today’s Rule for sure.

My corpmates applauded once again, with renewed enthusiasm. I shook my head in disgust, wishing I could go back to my quarters. I’d rather be catching up on some muchly needed sleep than having to sit through that crap.

I chuckle to myself, remembering how undisciplined I used to be. Back to the story.

The “master” then asked for a volunteer…

While others raised their hand, or stood to be acknowledged, I had already pushed my way forward and had surged onto the practice mats.

Some of my corpmates chuckled. My commanding officer frowned, knowing me too well already.

“Spear Lieutenant Wieler, I assume you wish to volunteer?” he barked at me, inciting much laughter.

“SIR! YESSIR!” I said with loud formality, coming to complete attention, demonstrating earnest respect and discipline. He put his gruff face against mine, whispering/spitting into my face.

“You’re gonna be a good soldier, understood? No funny business today, pilot.”

“SIR! YESSIR!” I yelled as loudly as I could. I swear I heard someone fart in the audience they were laughing so hard.

My C.O. walked away, and the “master” bowed towards me, beckoning me to come to him, so I did.

“Chorkuh meh.” he said, and I obliged, bringing my meaty hands up to his throat.

As he smiled, I crushed his throat, not releasing my grip. He dropped like a sack of potatoes, tapping my arm to release. I immediately released him, and helped him to his feet, feigning complete ignorance, as he choked, gagging for air.

“I am SO sorry.” I said, my expression sincere, though inwardly I was laughing my ass off.

“Iz orkay. Re rill movah to nextah demonstation. Trowooh a punchah at my head, Spearooh Rieutenant!” he said calmly, backing into the same side stance he used for most everything.

The problem with side stances, in my opinion, was that they telegraphed your every move. There was no way to surprise someone from that stance. They knew the rear would be the power, the front would be the quick; it was simple biomechanics. The fault in it lay in the hips and shoulders. You didn’t need to look at your opponent; you could see everything they could do simply from looking at their center line.

I preferred a full frontal stance, just casually facing you, hands and feet shoulder width apart. Think about it for a moment. Where would I attack from? Which direction was I going to move? Where was my balance vulnerable? It was a much more difficult read.

The “master” awaited, in his side stance. I approached slowly, and stood casually, waiting. He misinterpreted my hesitation for fear, and as he went to speak, I struck him, hard. I had aimed two feet past the back of his head. The loud crack of fist to face made me fairly certain I had reached my target.

By this time, my corpmates were divided. Half were laughing in hysterics; half were as silent as lambs.

As I turned to smile at my corpmates, I was expecting my C.O. to grab me by the scruff of the neck at any moment, leading me to the nearest latrine and leaving me there for the next month.

Instead, I heard the “master” shout what I think was a challenge. I really had trouble understanding him, and I hope that doesn’t racial in any way, as it wasn’t my intention.

I had turned my back to him, and reactively spun back to face him. It was a rookie mistake.

The “master” kicked me in the head, hard, and I have to admit that given the speed and flexibility required to successfully perform such a feat, I was impressed. It actually hurt, but nowhere near enough to end the fight.

He bounced around, from side to side, and I was tempted to let him tire himself out, but back then I had no control of my emotions whatsoever.

He wore a giddy, child like expression, and I found him infuriating.

I saw his hip twitch, and quickly drove myself forward diagonally towards his opposite hip, his kick moving beside me. With my forward momentum I grabbed his extended leg, putting the heel of my front foot behind his, and drove him into the ground, driving the wind from his lungs and possibly cracking a rib or two. Without missing a heartbeat, I snatched his arm, and bent his elbow against the joint around my knee, which bore my full weight on his chest.It was a perfect joint lock. I could snap him like a twig from here, drive the air from his lungs, or do both while rolling away in case any of his “students” decided to intervene.

He tapped twice.

“That’s enough!” our commanding officer bellowed, and the entire room fell silent.

I immediately released the “master” and stood at full attention, my eyes never resting on anything but the small point of space directly in front of me.

I don’t remember what the C.O. screamed/spat at me. I don’t remember the punishment he had declared. I don’t remember anything but being stoic on the outside, while smiling with pleasure on the inside. I was distinctly pleased with myself for no other reason than having hopefully educated at least one person on the follies of putting foot to face.

It was the last time in my life I gave any credence to any sport with the name “martial art” in it.

As we were summarily dismissed from the practice room, what I failed to notice was a young man staring after me, a look of bewilderment and disillusion in his eyes.

I had left him with questions he didn’t want to know the answers to, but knew he must.I had challenged what he believed he knew about combat, but wasn’t foolish enough to dismiss what he had just seen.

He had been forced into a choice: continue along the path he now knew was false, living in conscious ignorance, or explore the study of biomechanics, of leverage and effective use of force, and pursue an entirely different path.

I would never know what path he chose, this young man. I would never know his name was was Escoce.