Black Friday Fun

Hmmm, no corporate responsibilities, not on the flight roster. That means … a day off! Whatever would I do? Oh wait, I know, shopping!

It was that dreaded time of year where every retailer opened stupidly early to hock their wares at supposed ridiculously low prices. I was reminded of this as I strolled down the promenade of my home Heimatar station and could hardly force my way through the dense crowd. Dense in many ways, of course.

STORE 1

“Hi there. May I help you?” the young retailer said with great enthusiasm the same moment had I entered her store.

“No thanks. I’m beyond help.” I replied evenly. Her expression revealed she had no idea how to continue the conversation. Excellent.

STORE 2

Having spotted nothing of interest, I left the store. As I did so, the alarm sensor at the doorway went off. I sprinted away as fast as possible. As luck would have it, two rental security guards noticed my rapid and deliberate departure and gave chase … for a little while at least. Poor rental security guards.

STORE 3

“Happy Black Friday! May I help you?” she said with far too much enthusiasm. I didn’t realize it had become a holiday of celebration.

“Actually yes.” I replied, looking around the women’s lingerie store I had entered. “I’m looking for something silky yet masculine.”

She paused for a few moments, evaluating me. My expression remain neutral with a slight hint of annoyance that she wasn’t responding.

“Ok, let me take a quick look and see if I can find you anything.” I was impressed.

As I handled various bras of differing styles, the young lady returned, a few items in hand. I had to refrain from smirking. She described the things she had found at great length, making note of their special sales, their price matching and the quality of their products.

“I can start you a change room. What size are you?” she asked.

Of course, I wanted to reply ‘thick’, but wasn’t quick witted enough at the time. Instead, I said “Extra medium please.”

She blinked twice, completely confused. I felt a victory for a moment until she snatched it away. Kudos.

“I’ve never heard of that size. Let me check with  my manager.”

She quickly left to speak with an older, larger, less humorous woman, who stared daggers at me and marched my way.

“Please leave.” she said.

“Well, in Jita it’s all the fashion rage.” I began, but she cut me short.

“Please leave now or I’ll call security.” she said sternly.

“Ok, ok.” I said, raising my hands in surrender. I’d had my fun. It was time to move on.

As I left, I casually threw a “Happy Black Friday to you and yours!” over my shoulder, and swear I could feel the daggers dig deeply into my back.

STORE 4

I managed to get about ten feet into the store before the two security guard from just outside Store 1 locked eyes with me. I ran. They gave chase … for a little while. Poor rental security guards.

STORE 5

“She’s a beauty, ain’t she?” the young man said, trying to strike up some form of camaraderie with me.

“Yeah, I’ve been eyeing this model for a while.” I replied truthfully. I was staring at the Echelon Industries 200 inch, wall mounted holo display unit; something to spice up my Captain’s Quarters. It definitely needed it.

“I can give it to you, today only, for $599,000 ISK.” he said as if it were a paltry sum. Really? Does it give blowjobs? I thought to myself. Instead, I kept my cool and replied “What’s the regular price?”

“Around 1.5 million ISK.” he said, a smug look of “You’re an idiot if you don’t see this deal” on his face.

“Projects across 50 sq ft, shows over 3 billion colours simultaneously, and has higher pixel resolution than real life. Between you and me, they’re selling fast. I’d get it while you still can.”

“Alright, alright. I already know the specs, no need to oversell it. I’ll take it.”

I swear his eyes lit up like dollar signs.

It took him a while to do up the paperwork but I had always been a patient man.

“Ok.” he began. “That comes to $1.7 mil ISK. I rounded off the change in your favour.”

My jaw nearly hung wide open.

“How the?” I stammered. “You said.” I lifted my finger, trying to piece together whatever logic was to be found in this scenario. He was a professional alright, reassuring me before the sale went sour.

“The Black Friday price is the deal. Delivery is extra. Regional taxes. 12 monthly pre-paid installments at 28% interest. Eco-removal fee. It’s all in the fine print. Still the best deal you’ll find.”

That familiar throbbing in my neck and head had begun. Oh how I had missed it. I saw his eyes quickly dart towards my temple. He had seen it too.

“You’re lucky I just polished my boots this morning.” I said with just the appropriate amount of malice. The kid turned visibly pale. “If you ever try to con me again I’ll …” I left the sentence open.

I turned and walked away, fuming audibly. “1.5 million ISK. I could nearly buy my own ship for that. Yeah, but who’d fly it? Ho ho! I’m not a bad pilot. Dammit.”

STORE 6

Technically I never it made it to the next store. As I rounded the corner closest to the next shop on my list, I ran face first into the same two rental security guards, and their four new friends. There was a time to run, a time to fight, and a time to know when to back down. Don’t get me wrong, I was still raging from that damn holo unit ripoff, but I had no real qualm with these guys.

Several minutes later …

“If you didn’t steal anything, why’d you run away?” the fatter of the original two asked again, the strain in his voice apparent.

“Why’d you chase me?” I replied. “I don’t like being chased.”

This went on for quite some time until the local CorSec Constable arrived.

He took one look at me, sitting comfortably in the chair, a smug smirk on my face, and walked over. He pulled the lapel of my jacket, looking directly at my implants. He shook his head, then turned to face the rental guards.

“Did he have any goods on him?” he asked them.

“Well, no, but he could’ve stashed them. I’m sure if we were to look we’d..” the Constable cut them off with a raised hand.

“You’re free to go, capsuleer.”

“Thank you.” I said cordially, ignoring the astonished looks on their dumbfounded, fat faces.

It had been a fun day but I was itching to go kill some Amarr.

A final, devious thought entered my mind. I couldn’t resist.

As I left, I casually threw a “Happy Black Friday to you and yours!” over my shoulder, and swear I could feel the daggers dig deeply into my back.

Then I sprinted away.

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5 responses to “Black Friday Fun

  1. as a licensed security guard with a decent amount of experience, have to say that 1) if they could not keep up with you then they are not worthy of their job (okay so i’m a bit of a snob and I think all guards should be in at least half decent shape) and 2) the second they lost sight of you the first time they lost all powers of arrest, honestly you could charge them for a wrongful arrest because of it (especially since you actually HADN’T taken anything)… they are a shame and a disgrace to the entire profession.

  2. Part of the problem is that security is about being able to endure standing or sitting for long periods… long loooooong periods. Often coupled with shiftwork and shifts of up to 12 hours, it ain’t no friend to fitness.

    Secondly, you’re always waiting to react TO something. Defense is inherently more difficult than offense. Think POS and supercap fleet.

    Daemon, you’re right. And yes you can do a certain amount provided the number of hours you work are anything like sane. If there was a bit more money in the game perhaps things would be better all around. And thats a rant for another time 😛

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