Bean

I know she’s already crying having only read this title, but I felt compelled to write this entry nonetheless…

“I lost the baby.” she said with a broken voice between outbursts of tears.

“I’m on my way.” I replied, already making my way to the hangar of my fastest ship.

She was one of the most dear women in my life at the time, to the point where everything else could be damned if it tried to delay me or keep me from being there for her. I knew many thought I was nothing more than a sexist pig, always flirting with the ladies, making sexual jokes every chance I could. Some thought I got away with it because I was charming. Or maybe I just thought that about myself. Who knows.

The truth of life was more. I have always had nothing but respect for women. They should be treated as the ladies they are, except in the bedroom – treat them however they wish to be treated then.

I pushed my engines beyond their overheated capacities, weaving in and out of the public traffic lanes much to the dismay of the civilians using them. Local system authorities might have had issue with my rapid atmospheric approach, but I would deal with that if and when an incident occured. Right then, I was needed.

My mind and heart raced throughout the entire journey. What could I say? What could I do? I felt impotent and helpless.

After what seemed like an eternity, something I had yet to fully understand as a capsuleer, I arrived to her location planetside.

She stood there, brave face on. I started to cry.

I had experienced much death throughout the years and had become desensitized to it. You had to in order to survive. Yet somehow when death struck close to you, you were reminded of how very frail our existence is. It’s a shame we couldn’t feel that empathy for each other regardless of personal relationship. We’d be better off as a species if we did.

I wanted to tell her to come embrace me. I wanted to tell her that my broad shoulders could help carry the burden, if only for a little while. I couldn’t form a single word. Instead, I opened my arms and she collapsed into me, tears of her own flowing freely. I held her tight and would never let her go.

There would always be the eternal debate as to when human life starts. Conception? Delivery? Let those far more indulgent argue such things. If the truth of the matter was that human life only truly began when we are loved, then Bean, you were very much alive and loved more than many would ever experience.

I was to be as an uncle to you. I was prepared to give the universe to you. To fight for you. To protect you. To nurture you. To guide you. To spoil you. Your innocent life was a reminder to me of why I did the things I did. Of why wars were fought. Of why freedoms were never to be taken for granted. Of why love and humanity mattered.

I couldn’t even hazard a guess as to why this happened. It would forever remain a mystery.

Two things I did know for fact:

  • It wasn’t your mother’s fault
  • You would always be remembered

Carol, I hope you read that first part. I know the wound is fresh. I know the wound will only heal with time, hopefully. It’s not your fault. It never was. You are not alone. I will always be here for you. No matter what.

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4 responses to “Bean

  1. Hi Roc,

    I waited a while before responding – mostly because my partner is currently at 23 weeks…. and we called our baby the bean as well before it became the bump. Just a bit too close, I guess.

    It’s probably the single most terrifying possibility I have to face, the prospect of losing this child, even if all the signs are good at the moment and we’re past the first trimester.

    That said, I know exactly how you feel. One of my close family had the same thing happen about 12 years ago. They went on and had three gorgeous girls, but the loss of the twins was utterly devastating at that time.

    Life goes on. In that magical, chaotic, blindside you out of nowhere kinda way. Keep the faith.

    • Thanks for your heartfelt sympathy. I know my sister appreciates it. Also, if you haven’t already, read Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card. It will give you some magnificent insight into the power of the name Bean. Congrats on your baby.

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