What we know about the monstrous Amarr capsuleer Santa Claus:
- It’s gluttonously overweight.
- It makes use of undernourished, growth stunted slaves to do Its bidding year round.
- It smokes (a pipe).
- It drinks (rosy cheeks).
- It dresses in blood red.
- It is immortal, as far as we know (clone technology).
- It only appears at night, flying through planetary atmospheres with horned beasts at Its command.
- It uses some unknown warp technology to infiltrate trillions of homes in one night.
- It is not afraid of fire or heat (in chimneys, for instance) or cold for that matter.
- It has beady, coal-black eyes (all pupil, maybe, or perhaps insect-like).
- Its bloated midsection wiggles like gelatin (an undead substance made of decaying animal parts).
- It is sometimes called “Old Nick” (which pretends to refer to St. Nicholas, but is really a nickname of the Devil).
- Its name is an anagram of Satan Lucas, which sounds very sinister to me (“the Light of Satan”?).
- It spreads Its message of greed and gluttony on the very eve of the celebration of Christ’s birth.
- Indeed, many children believe in Satan Lucas many years before ever learning of the “true meaning of Christmas”, and even then the “true meaning” is largely ignored, and the evil rites are passed on to another generation.
- There is a song about It which begins, “You’d better watch out…”
- Its minions, an elaborate network of spying adults, keep tabs on your behavior throughout the year, and postal services of the universe dutifully deliver reports to It.
In short, Santa Claus is an evil conniving Amarr, who has become powerful enough to control the economy, tempt people to do very wicked actions (all cloaked in “holiday spirit”), and battle Jesus for control of his own birthday. The cult of Satan Lucas is growing rapidly. Children are being programmed to be evil minions when they become adults. Ritual sacrifices of innocent milk and cookies are offered up to Its obesity. Depression, crime, and suicides increase during the Christmas hellidays, and no wonder.
Protect yourself. Do not invite this demon into your home. Take down your stockings. Burn Hanukkah candles to ward It off. Do not give anyone gifts! This practice only makes It stronger.
ADVENT DAY 6
PRIZE: ???
TASK: With so many mythical beings surrounding the holiday season, let’s add one more. Your task today is to take an existing holiday writing (poem, carol, etc), and convert it into something New Eden, specifically mentioning Roc.
Please post your submissions into the comments below or by emailing me at adventcelebration@gmail.com.
I will announce today’s winner at 10 PM EST.
Congratulations to Anjerrai Meloanis, who has won a PLEX, care of CCP! Please send me an email by clicking on the picture of me on the right, or by using the gmail.com link above.
ROC'S RAMBLINGS 
Minmatar, Minmatar, Minmatar Roc
Fight the Amarr and give ‘em a shock
Blastin’ and blowin’ up a pirate’s ruled space
Just to see the look on his face.
Minmatar, Minmatar, Minmatar Roc
Minmatar blast in Minmatar fast.
Killing a pirate and webbing him there
In the dead space air!
What a bright time! It’s the right time
To blow some ‘rats away.
And null sec space is the best place
To put a new fit on your one horse sleigh.
Giddy up, capsuleer, pick up your feet
And warp to the Christmas spot
Lasers or railguns or missiles or fleets
Bow to Minmatar
Bow to Minmatar
Bow to Minmatar Roc!
Expanded, now that I have a little more time:
Minmatar, Minmatar, Minmatar Roc
Fight the Amarr and give ‘em a shock
Blastin’ and blowin’ up a pirate’s ruled space
Just to see the look on his face.
Minmatar, Minmatar, Minmatar Roc
Minmatar blast in Minmatar fast.
Killing a pirate and webbing him there
In the dead space air!
What a bright time! It’s the right time
To blow some ‘rats away.
And null sec space is the best place
To put a new fit on your one horse sleigh.
Giddy up, capsuleer, pick up your feet
And warp to the Christmas spot
Lasers or railguns or missiles or fleets
Bow to Minmatar
Bow to Minmatar
Bow to Minmatar Roc!
I really can’t stay (Mynxee, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to fly ‘way (Mynxee, it’s cold outside)
The roaming has been (I hoped that you’d come along)
So very fun (There’s a Mackinaw, It’s mining ice)
The Hellcats will start to worry (Come on Mynxee, what’s your hurry)
The Bastards want to go on a roam (Listen to those cannons fire)
So really, I’d better hurry (It’s a hulk, He’s mining without worry)
Well, maybe just a gank or two more (We’ll roam till we start to tire)
The pirates will know (Mynxee, it’s fun out here)
The militia will grow,(Roc Wieler don’t know no fear)
See how I frown? (Your guns are just cooling down)
These guy can’t spell (Local chat just said, “u got o hel”)
I oughta say no, no, no Roc (I’ve got this Nightmare target locked)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (This Firetail’s the source of my pride)
I really can’t stay (Oh Mynxee, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside
I simply must leave (It’s cold outside)
Log out of Eve (Mynxee, it’s cold outside)
The roaming has gone (So lucky that you came along)
Without a loss (I like looking at your exaust)
The Hellcats will be suspicious (I’m not trying to be malicious)
The Bastards will be making some noise (I ain’t worried about those boys)
My blog reader’s mind’s are vicious (They’ll understand if you’re expeditious)
Well maybe just a gank or four more (Never got so many kills before)
I’ve got quite a trip (Myxnee, you’ll freeze out there)
Say, lend me a ship (Lets kill some more things out here)
You’ve really been good (Baby I’m misunderstood)
My piracy is overdue (Baby I can pirate some too)
There’s gonna be talk tomorrow (Well, watch as this battleship blows)
At least there will be many complaints (The militia doesn’t have such constraints)
I really can’t stay (Get over that hold out)
Oh, but Mynxee it’s cold outside
hmmm… nope, can’t compete with that.
Well, you better watch local
Carebears better not cry
Better not macro
I’m tellin’ you why
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
He’s makin’ gang,
Checkin’ it twice;
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
He knows when you are slaving
He knows when you’re a bait
He knows if you’ve been nice or not
He’s almost at the gate!
You better warp out!
You better not die.
You better not WCS, I’m tellin’ you why.
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
He knows when you are slaving
He knows when you’re a bait
He knows if you’ve been nice or not
He’s almost at the gate!
You better watch out!
You better not cry.
You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why.
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
He knows when you are slaving
He knows when you’re a bait
He knows if you’ve been nice or not
He’s almost at the gate!
You better warp out!
You better not die.
You better not WCS, I’m tellin’ you why.
Roc a Claus is comin’
(Roc a Claus is comin’)
Roc a Claus is a comming to town.
Email sent.
(To Jingle Bells)
Warping threw new Eden
With a corp-a on my ship
Past the planets I go
To tear threw a gate camp
I make it threw low sec a
But not threw nulsec b
I just got a free trip from
Roc and his fleet
Ohhh gate camps suck, I got lag,
Sentry guns are bull.
I’m just gonna whine tell they fix this game.
Tough shit go play wow.
(White Christmas)
I’m dreaming of a Titan killmail,
Just like the ones I’ve heard about,
Where dreadnaughts glisten and
Cariers undock to hear
Big explosions in space.
I’m dreaming of a titan killmail
With every blogpost roc writes
May your turets be loaded and locked
And may all your killmails be bright.
Let it Snow
Oh the weather outside is frightful
And our fire burns so spiteful
It’s the only life we know
Let us go! Let us go! Let us go!
The masters don’t want us stopping
Else we’re in for a cropping
The fires burn way down low
Spare the rope! Spare the rope! Spare the rope!
As we finally lie for the night
The door suddenly burns bright
A man stands where it stood
In black sunglasses and a hood
The fires of the shuttle burn strong
And as we rattle along
We say goodbye to our old lives
We’ll be back. We’ll be back. We’ll be back.
Alternative:
Damn to hell,
Damn to hell,
Burn those Amarr fiends;
Roc’s last on, we fly along,
And leave the world in flames!
(to Santa baby)
Santa baby, just slip a Gistii under the tree, for me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby, a speedy faction frigate as well, Dramiel
I’ll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellows that I haven’t kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you check out my Christmas list
Santa baby, I want a Halo set and thats not a lot
Been an Angel all year
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the speed
To leave Tak far behind,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa cutie, fit my Ishtar with a nice tank, and gank
Sign your ‘X’ on the bow
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With plug decorations, maybe backlace links
I really do believe in you,
Let’s see if you believe in me
Santa baby, a little thing I almost forgot, one Roc,
I don’t mean like, a toy,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight.
(to Frosty the Snowman)
Roc Wieler the Colonel, a very fierce brutor.
With a Gyrostabalizer and a Afterburner
And three Autocannons full of ammo.
Roc Wieler the Colonel, a milita legend they say,
Had nerves of steel, and the Amarr
Fear the time he came to play.
There must have been some RF EMP in those
old autocannons he fired.
For when it hit their hulls
Their ships went out of control
O, Roc Wieler the Colonel,
Was as jolly as could be,
All the Amarr screamed while he just laughed
As he killed some omens three.
Ra-ta-tat ta Ra-ta-tat ta
Ra-ta-tat ta Ra-ta-tat ta
Look at Roc Wieler go,
Boomidty boom
Boomidty boom
As he liberates the Matar
Roc Wieler the Colonel knew
That there was a big gatecamp
So he smiled, “Lets go for a ride”
We’ll have some fun
I’ll make you run,
And you’ll have to take my hide.
With fresh ammo in his guns
The amarr in their tech 1’s
He flew through their gatecamp
“Catch me if you can”
He ran them right through low sec.
He hit a gate,
The lag made him wait,
And the Amarr locked him and yelled “Point”
The Battleships warped in, and his demise did begin
But as his ship went down,
He didn’t frown,
He said, I’ll be back again some day.”
Thumpetty thump thump,
Boom Boom Boom
Thumpety thump thump,
Warp! Warp! Warp!
Look at the Colonel go,
Ra-ta-tat tat
Ra-ta-tat tat
Back to Rens he goes.
(to Jingle Bells)
With his ship so grand
And fleet not to far
He had a funny plan
For Christmas in amarr
He loaded all his guns
Warped right to the field
Watched the amarr run
As he ripped through all their shields
Jingle Eve jingle Eve
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to kill some amarr to day
Oh, Jingle Eve jingle Eve
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to kill some amarr to day
He shot that poor fool down
Watched as he was popped
And without a frown
Another one was locked
Jingle Eve jingle Eve
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
Roc have fun this day
Oh, Jingle Eve jingle Eve
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
Roc kill amarr this day
‘Twas the night before patch day, when all through New Eden
Not a ship was stirring, not even an Ibis;
The secure cans were anchored by the belts with care,
In hopes that Veldspar soon would be there;
The pilots were nestled all snug in their pods,
While visions of ship buffs danced in their heads;
And Mynxee in her Rifter, and I in my Thrasher,
Had just settled down for a long patch’s dock,
When outside the station there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from dock to see what was the matter.
Away with camera drones I flew like a flash,
Tearing past jetcans and secure containers advertising free cash.
The sun on the axis of a newly-textured planet
Gave the lustre of mid-day to cities below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bloated Badger and nine tiny shuttle drawing near,
Show Info revealed an old pilot, his bio so alive with wit,
I knew in a moment it must be CCP Hammer, the git.
More rapid than nanofags his coursers they came,
And in local italicized, and emboldened, and he called them by name;
“Now, Chronotis! now, Discordia! now, Soundwave, Nozh and Greyscale! On, Abathur! on Ytterbium! on, Fendahl and Fear!
To the center of each hanger! to the tower of each POS!
Now balance away! balance away! balance away all!”
As carebear Hulks that before the pirate Hurricane flee,
When they meet with a PvPer, warp to the station,
So into the station the coursers they flew,
With the Badger full of ship buffs, and CCP Hammer too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from inside the station
The ranting and raving of each dev.
As I docked my Thrasher back into station, and looked around,
Down the hanger CCP Hammer came with MWD.
He was fit all in faction, from his highslots to his lowslots,
And his fitting speckled with deadspace and officer to boot;
A bundle of ships he had flung into his cargo,
And he looked like a trader ready to sell on market.
His ships — how they twinkled! their buffs so sleek!
His True Sansha were pwnzors, his Blood Raider OP,Droll Guristas were changed from useless to hard to beat!
The sinister Serpentis were altered from novel to dominating,
While Angel Cartel evolved to a nanofag’s wildest dream,
Whose falloff exceeded any Scorch fit FOTM!
Navy frigates saw love too, rising from meek to mighty,
While new navy battleships vied for ascendancy.
Titans lost their DD, which was right by me,
And I laughed when I saw the Nagflar; why bother? not me!
With a wink in local and at twist of his ship,
CCP Hammer deployed the changes, with remarkable haste and efficiency.
He wrote not a word, so taken by his work,
Updating all the ships, sovereignty and even autocannons, what luck!
Adjusting his headset aside of his mouth,
He gave orders to his devs to finish updating and undock.
They sprang from the station, and to his devs he gave a destination;
Away they all flew away like interceptors from peril.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he warped off grid,
“Happy patch day to all, and to all a safe flight.”
~
Roc shook and shuddered, his sweat sheathed body drawn into a ball,
His jaw locked, his fists clenched, arms held close to a chest on fire.
Eventually muscles slackened, racked sensations abated,
The painful rumble of blood past ear reduced to a calm pace.
Roc unfurled his tortured limbs, rising from the bed to sit,
Promptly retching onto the floor what seemed all of his inards, and then some.
Shaking his head to clear it, and rewarded with more vertigo than before,
Roc swore solemnly to the vomit on the floor,
“By Wensley’s balls, that’s the last time I mix Blue Pill with Drop.”
*waves a tiny flag for his entry*
go team haav0c!
May be worth noting, I wrote that thing on my while selling very heavy christmas trees in the cold with no gloves n shorts? Because… I wanted to seem manly. Yeah. While writing poetry for an internet spaceship contest.
*cough*
If it helps, I was totally thinking about how awesome Roc is… and stuff…. yeah.
yeah, my money’s on the Mynxee one… damn inferiority complex.
once again, i lose a hypothetical amount of money on a wager no-one took me up on. grats to the winner!
Sooo funny! I have been reading and keeping up, will try to post more. This Advent idea is a great one, Roc. Great way to engage the community!