In every piece of science fiction I’ve ever read about immortals, one common theme continues to surface – seclusion.
There are many that think living forever is the ultimate prize. The selfish delusion of what one could accomplish with infinite lifetimes. Having studied the true and darker nature of humanity, I am thankful for the cosmic balance of mortality. I do not believe we would be altruistic with immortality; I think we’ve demonstrated how we would slowly turn inwards, becoming self-destructive and ultimately bring about the demise of all that surround us.
I’ve known capsuleers that disappear every few years, bored of the lives they’ve lived, tired of routinely conquering, destroying, being destroyed. New Eden’s version of immortality comes with a price tag, infinite deaths. For each new life, we must experience the fullness, the complete pain and suffering of death in order to be born anew. I’m not surprised it’s driven more than a few quite literally mad.
Then there are others, myself recently included in this lot, that simply recede from society, turning our pain inwards, hiding from the outside universe. At first we think ourselves too important, that others will notice our absence and come after us. We set ourselves up for failure that way and thus begins the vicious cycle of self-loathing.
It’s not that none of us are without friends or those that care for us. It’s more that ultimately we are each so self-absorbed that we tend to miss the details surrounding us. It’s always the details that are important.
At first it hurts that nobody reaches out to make sure we’re ok, but then our inner dark voice starts talking to us, reinforcing that we are worthless, that nobody does care, and as time passes alone it becomes more and more difficult to fight that perceived truth. This is what I see depression as – not so much that we are pathetic and unable to cope, but more that we cannot think of a single good reason why we should try.
Despair can be deadly. When we stop finding reasons to move forward, we will stagnate and die. Existence is not living.
After a while of existing in seclusion, we start to believe that perhaps those around us are now better off with us gone, and that dark voice tells us there is no point in even trying to come back to socialize among the living. We will be rejected, ridiculed. It would be better off if we just left things alone. They’ve moved on without us. Without a second thought.
There is hope, however, though it is not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. The hope has always been within us. The hope is us.
You see, we must love ourselves, completely and unconditionally. We must see our own value, our own worth. If we cannot, how can we fight off that dark voice which is also us? How can we expect others to miss us if we do not miss ourselves?
I’ve missed me. I’ve missed this blog. I’ve missed Roc.
I haven’t felt like this in a long time. It seems that I am coming undone, that life is collapsing around the seams. But it’s a lie. It’s self-doubt.
I know, right? Me with self-doubt? If I listen to that voice as I type it tells me “They’ve always thought you were compensating for your insecurities. Nobody ever believed you were that confident, successful guy. That guy is a lie. He’s a character in a game.” That voice goes on to tell me how my efforts only ever made me look arrogant to others. The timing of it all, with the CSM votes on the horizon, reminds me that I have lost every time I have run, and not marginally.
Thankfully, my voice is stronger. It says that I am strong, that I have worked hard. I have transformed myself physically, mentally, that the man I was even five years could never of dreamed of becoming the man I am today, in the best way possible.
Sure, money is a little tight right now. So what? I’m still better off than 75% of the planet I live on? I need to remember my priorities. I am not alone.
I have the love and support of my incredible wife. And so what if my friends are busy with their lives; does that mean they care about me any less? Of course not. In truth, if I think back to when I was making good money, I was so busy that I neglected most of them. There’s some harsh truth to absorb.
And we’re getting by. The bills are getting paid, even if barely. There are much bigger problems out there.
So no more hiding. I am a leader. I am an example.
I believe in me, and that’s enough.