“Hey Roc, just wanted to drop you a line and say hi. I know you’ve been going through some stuff, but we’re still here for you.” – Katia Sae
“Looks like I’ll be in your area sooner than expected. Things are shitty. Hope we can talk soon. Sounds like we each could use a shoulder.” – Caleb Yaakov
“Your blog has gone scarily quiet?” – @KaedaMaxwell
“Don’t you dare post this on your blog saying I’ve been keeping you too busy to write with mind shattering, more than daily sex!” – @CarolePivarik
“You’ve left New Eden, haven’t you. Retired completely and gone off the grid. It’s a sad day.” – Ava Tears
It had been a trying three month period in my life. I was simply unable to find work, yet the expenses still remained. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one that had been in that position. Like many, the economy had been rough during that time, and corporations were laying people off, whether you had been there for decades or even longer. Suddenly, we all found ourselves dispensable.
But I am Roc Wieler.
The initial shock that I was no better than the regular plebes was almost too much for my ego to bear. I was a capsuleer, an immortal. I had been a war hero, a medal decorated war hero for Jove’s sake. Who was I to be in the same position as a Caldari factory worker?
I was the one who inspired others to get out of their pods, to stretch their legs, to take care of their cloned bodies instead of just becoming lethargic and reliant on technology to survive.
I was the one who inspired countless young pod pilots to join the war.
I was the one who had people entranced with music and visuals the galaxy over.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all rationalized why bad things shouldn’t happen to us, and yet it does. Adversity is what reveals our truest character. In that regard, I’ve failed.
I’ve failed to remember to walk the walk when things are toughest. It’s easy to be positive when things are going well.
I’ve failed to believe in myself as much as I should have, allowing myself to spend days curled up in my quarters wallowing in self-pity.
I’ve failed to embrace the greatest support network I have; you.
For that, I sincerely apologize.
So many employment interviews with hopeful outcomes only to have those same hopes dashed to the side. So many people who begged of me to come work with them while I was gainfully employed only to tell me now they have not even scraps to send my way.
But there has been some good:
- I’ve been pushing my workouts harder. It’s one of the few things I find joy in.
- I’ve been learning new technologies, updating my skills, including some advances in three dimensional imaging.
- I’ve been networking, attending functions, getting my name out there.
- I’ve been looking at starting my own corporation, put my money where my mouth is, belief in myself entirely.
- I’ve been working on some new music, refining my techniques, learning from DJs and industry professionals.
- I’ve been continuing to have success as a personal trainer, though I feel like I’ve let down Double J lately.
I’ve been focused on some things, but sadly not on my journal, cutting myself off from all of you.
Again, I apologize.
I will do better. I promise.
OOC: I’m not really in a better place now. I still have no source of income. The savings account is slowly drying up. I’m not even sure how I will attend Fanfest this year. Don’t be surprised if I start a fundraiser. My wife has been amazing, understanding, patient and encouraging every step of the way through this tribulation. My few close friends have been amazing, helping me find job leads, offering laughter and free food every now and then, which helps.
Really, it’s just been a few shit kickings too many and I’ve become demoralized overall. But I choose to stand again. Sometimes that is all it can be, an act of will, and my will is stronger than anything this universe can throw at me.
Sure, it may sound like platitudes and cheap self help motivational nonsense, but I’ll tell you this much, it works. Even writing this, sharing with you, being accountable to you once more, is sending the blood racing through my veins, exciting my spirit anew.
So I’m back to having a consistent routine, the life I want to create around myself. Nothing can stop me from doing that. My exercise and eating are still on track, so time to focus on my mental and emotional health.
I have so many stories to write, so much music to create, so much left to give. You, my fans, are worth it.
Thanks for sticking around.
As a bonus treat, here’s a track from the next album I’m working on, Mendre After Hours: Volume 1 Anthems