There are so many slogans for Quafe soda that I often wondered how I had avoided it for so long. It was inevitable that I would eventually cave and try it, I just never figured it would be as pudding…

Zymurgist’s Quafe Pudding

INGREDIENTS:

• 8oz of Cream Cheese
• 8oz of plain Yogurt
• 2 parts lime juice (splashed in)
• 1 part lemon juice
• Enough sugar to kill a diabetic (Just poured straight out of the bag, maybe 2/3 a cup?)
• Half a Tablespoon of Cream of Tartar (Optional)

METHOD:

1. Put all in large bowl and mix until creamy.
2. Keep refrigerated and stir before serving.
3. Makes about 8 servings.

I recommend not serving this if you plan on spending any substantial time with your guests after dessert. People tend to get really … rowdy.

It had been a good month for us in the Rapier class recon ship. There had been many pirate kills as we ventured deeper and deeper into Sansha Nation space, but there had also been tragedies.

My Chief Medical Officer was unable to revert a single human from the atrocities done to their bodies physically and mentally at the hands of the pirates. They were dependent on the mechanical symbiosis they had been butchered into. They were monsters that could not be saved.

Not a one.

Additionally, during one of our skirmishes, our ship was hit pretty hard, damaged badly, and our galley had been exposed to open space. We lost several crew members as well as our remaining food supplies.

The breach had been repaired as quickly as possible, but we were starving.

And as if things couldn’t get worse, the refrigeration system for my corpse locker had failed nine days ago. I had refused to give up my trophies, the corpses of my enemies, but my personal meat locker was starting to stink beyond any of our abilities to tolerate … that is when I had the idea.

We all swore never to speak of it.

I think it’s important the story be told.

MAGGOT STEW

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 tbsp coconut oil
• 1/4 cup flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper
• 1/4 tsp garlic powder
• 1 lb stew beef cut into 1 inch chunks
• 2 cans (14 oz) plain stewed tomatoes
• 1 can (10 oz) beef broth
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 bay leaf
• 4 carrots
• 1 can fresh or frozen green beans
• 1/4 orzo pasta

METHOD:

1. Place oil in stew pot and heat on medium low.
2. Measure flour, salt, pepper and garlic powder into ziploc bag.
3. Drop in stew beef, seal bag and shake until well coated.
4. Pour contents of bag into stew pot. Turn up the heat to medium.
5. Peel carrots and cut into small coins.
6. When stew has simmered for an hour, add the carrots and green beans to the pot.
7. Cover pot. Simmer for 45 minutes.
8. Cook orzo pasta in a pan according to package directions.
9. Drain when tender. These are your maggots.
10. Add them to the stew pot, turn off heat, carefully blend.

Bon appetit!

“And would you like super salad this evening, sir?” our server asked politely.

“Hell yes!” I replied, not feeling at all uncouth in the fine dining establish my date and I were at.  It had been too long since I had enjoyed any meaningful female companionship; I just couldn’t seem to put my past relationship out of my head.

I suppose ‘out of my head’ isn’t accurate. Logic is easy to understand. The deeper truth is ‘out of heart’. The heart wants what it wants, and it’s next to impossible to tell it otherwise. No matter how far fetched or improbable, the heart always believes.

My date giggled at my reply, while our server looked at me quizzically. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with these two women, but fortunately my date was gentle, soothing my growing irritation.

“It’s not a yes/no question, Roc. Do you want soup or salad with your dinner?” she said sweetly.

My mouth hung open slightly as understanding dawned upon me. Why the hell would they word it like that? Why not just ask if I want salad or soup? Super salad. Man, that sounded so good.

“I’ll have a steak please.” I replied. The server looked confused.

“Yes, as my appetizer. Thank you. That is all.” I said dismissively, trying to assert my male status, turning my attention back to my date for the evening.

SUPER SALAD

INGREDIENTS:

SALAD

• 12 ounces boneless salmon fillet
• 2 cups broccoli florets
• 1 15.5 ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 cup grape tomatoes, halved
• 4 cups torn assorted salad greens (trimmed, washed and dried)
• 1 bunch fresh basil
• 2 carrots, peeled and shaved into long strips
• Mrs. Dash and Black Pepper

DRESSING

• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/4 cup bottled fat free vinaigrette
• Juice of 1 large lemon
• 1 teaspoon dijon mustard

METHOD:

1. Whisk together olive oil, vinaigrette, lemon juice and mustard. Set aside.
2. Preheat oven to 400 F. Place salmon in small roasting pan.
3. Cook for 10 – 20 minutes, depending on the thickness of the fish (plan on 10 minutes per inch, just like sex), or until an instant read thermometer registers 140 F.
4. Remove salmon from oven and set aside. Once it’s cool, flake into bite sized pieces with a fork.
5. Meanwhile, bring a 1 quart saucepan filled with water to a boil.
6. Add broccoli and boil for 1 minute or until florets turn bright green.
7. Drain and rinse under cold water.
8. Shake (no more than three times, ha!) to remove as much water as possible and place in a large bowl.
9. Toss broccoli with dressing. Set aside.
10. In another bowl, combine salmon, black beans and tomatoes.
11. Season with Mrs. Dash and pepper.
12. Divide salad greens and basil among 4 plates.
13. Top with broccoli and salmon mixture and garnish with shaved carrots.

As always, eat well, pilots.

“Well sir, we’ve got peanut butter, honey, and crispy treats; unless you want to eat protein powder that is…”

I smiled.

5 minute PB Protein Bars

INGREDIENTS:

• 3/4 cup of natural honey
• 1 1/2 cup of natural peanut butter
• box of crispy treats
• 364 grams whey protein (12 scoops roughly)

METHOD:

• combine honey, peanut butter and protein in a bowl.
• fold in crispy treats.
• roll into individual bars and freeze overnight.

NUTRITIONAL VALUE:

Each bar contains roughly 200 – 300 calories and 40 – 60 grams of protein.

ALTERNATIVES:

• cocoa, honey and coconut

I’ve received a few fan mails lately, mostly from women, thanking me for the recipe tips & ideas, as well as motivation to work out and improve their health.

I even received a short and to the point “fan” mail from a Brutor brother:

Roc,

You’re an egomaniac that eats like a girl. Seriously, that’s not food; it’s what food eats. Give us a real recipe because men need to eat too.

Yours truly,
12 Inch Sausage

So, today’s recipe is dedicated to all those men who like to think they’re all that, when really I am all that.

Look at your man, now look back at me and see what your man could be.

I’m in a pod.

Pepper Jack Steak Sandwich

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 lb steak, 1 inch thick
• 1/4 cup red wine
• 2 tbsp worcestershire
• 2 cloves garlic, sliced
• 1 tsp seasoning salt
• 1/4 tsp celery salt
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 4 hoagie rolls
• 8 slices deli pepper jack cheese
• 4 lettuce leaves
• jalapeno mayonnaise (see recipe below)

METHOD:

1. Place steak in a resealable plastic bag.
2. Whisk red wine, worcestershire, garlic, seasoning salt and celery salt together in a bowl.
3. Pour over steak.
4. Seal bag and marinate in the refrigerator for two hours.
5. After steak has marinated, heat butter and olive oil in a skillet over medium-high heat.
6. Once butter melts, add steak.
7. Cook 5 – 6 minutes on each side for medium rare.
8. Transfer cooked steak to the cutting board and allow to rest for 10 minutes.
9. Once rested, thinly slice against the grain.
10. Preheat over broiler.
11. Cut hoagie rolls in half.
12. For each sandwich, place 4 – 5 slices of steak on the bottom half of the roll. Place 2 slices of cheese on top of the steak.
13. Place under the broiler until the cheese melts, about 1 minute.
14. At the same time, toast top half of roll.
15. After cheese has melted, remove sandwich from oven, place lettuce on top.
16. Spread jalapeno mayonnaise on top half of roll.

Jalapeno mayonnaise

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 tsp lemon juice
• 2 jalapenos (seeds removed from 1 jalapeno), minced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• sea salt

METHOD:

1. Combine ingredients together in a bowl. Season to taste with salt.
2. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Tasty meat, combined with fresh seasonal vegetables, and flavourful herbs and spices? Must be The Rabbit.

Rabbit is an ideal alternative to chicken. The meat is tender, juicy and just a little stronger in flavour. In fact, you don’t the like the idea of cooking rabbit, a good free range chicken will do in this recipe just as well.

Either way, for a healthy, light meal, just get yer yarr on!

Guristas Casserole

INGREDIENTS

• 1 medium rabbit (2 – 2 1/2 lbs), cut into roughly eight equal pieces
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 4 cloves of garlic, chopped
• 2 medium carrots, sliced
• 1 eggplant, roughly chopped
• 2 large mushrooms, thickly sliced
• 1 large tomato, chopped
• 4 oz fresh peas
• 3 stalks of celery with leaves kept separately(chopped)
• 1 three inch stick of cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp of chilli flakes
• 3 or 4 bay leaves
• 1/2 a bottle of dry white wine
• 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

METHOD

1. Brown the rabbit in the olive oil, then remove from pan and set aside.
2. Add the onion, garlic, mushrooms, carrots, eggplant to pan, and brown.
3. Add rabbit, wine, herbs, bay leaves and cinnamon.
4. Cook covered for 20 minutes.
5. Add tomato, peas and chopped celery leaves.
6. Cook covered for a further 10 minutes.

SERVINGS

4 hungry anti-pirate capsuleers.

“Seriously, you?”

I nodded again.

He continued to shake his head in denial, a smug smirk etched across his pock marked face. “I can’t believe you, the ‘great’ Roc Wieler, ‘Man’s Man’, ‘Hero of the Republic’, ‘Scourge of the Amarr’, etc, etc, you actually dance?”

“Let me tell you something, junior.” I said aggressively, having no patience for this kind of narrow-mindedness, “Real men are confident in everything they do. I don’t care if it’s dancing, cooking, wearing sparkles on my face or kissing a male midget clown full on the lips … I’d still look good doing it!”

I leaned in closer, frowning sourly, until I was nearly spitting on the other fellow as I spoke. “And do you know why? Because I ooze more charisma from my left nut then you do from your entire pathetic existence. Laugh all you want, but at least I’m out there doing it! Man up or shut up!”

With that, I turned on my heel stiffly, me and my shiny disco pants walking away.

—

This recipe is in honour of all those men and women who dream of doing things but never do.

Salsa Chicken

PREP TIME: 5 minutes

COOK TIME: 15 minutes

SERVINGS: 4

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 package low sodium taco seasoning mix
• 1 lb chicken tenders OR boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut in strips
• 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 14 ounces diced tomatoes
• 1/3 apricot or peach preserves

METHOD:

1. Place seasoning mix in plastic bag. Add chicken. Toss to coat.
2. Heat oil in large skillet on medium heat.
3. Add chicken and stir 5 minutes or until chicken is lightly browned.
4. Stir in tomatoes and preserves. Reduce heat.
5. Cover and simmer 10 minutes.
6. Serve over rice, if desired.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: per serving

• Calories: 285
• Fat: 9 g
• Carbohydrates: 51 mg
• Sodium: 488 mg (low sodium method)
• Fibre: 3 g
• Protein: 23 g