You will never get over it but you will get through it.

These words hit home. At first I had started to feel guilty about not feeling miserable upon every thought of you. I felt as though I was betraying your memory – that my healing was erasing your existence. I was at war within myself.

I still think of you daily. Sometimes, like today, with great pangs. I miss you terribly. I miss your face, your eyes, the sweetness of your demeanor. I miss holding you, spending time with you, loving you and receiving your love in return.

It’s been five long years since you’ve died. Five long years since I held you as your breathed your last breaths. Five long years and I still haven’t let you go. I never will.

But now when I speak of you I am not always filled with sorrow. I can tell some of the funny times we shared without breaking down to tears. You can hear the pride in my voice when I speak of you, and others can see what a privilege that knowing you was for me.

You were sweet and kind, gentle and forgiving. You were a noble hero, innocent but not naive. You were everything I had ever hoped for, and so much more. No wonder the hole in my heart at your absence is still gaping.

Still, I smile again, and without guilt. I look forward to each new day instead of wallowing in the misery of facing yet another day without you by my side. I accept that you’re gone. I will never get over it. I am getting through it.

Know that I love you forever. Know that you will always be in my heart. Know that each year I will continue to write to you even though I realize this is my own therapy and nothing more.

Know that you could never be replaced, and will never be forgotten. I cry, and I smile, because of you.