IV

I’m sorry. I’ve let you down. It’s just so hard sometimes to continue on without you. I couldn’t even write this post last year. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was simply that every time throughout the day that I would sit at the keyboard, I would physically weep when bringing you to mind. I miss you more than you would’ve imagined.

I just had to walk away and dry my eyes enough to see. It’s so easy to pull the emotions to the surface. There are so many memories I have of you.

I had to walk away again. This is always such a difficult post to write, but I do it to honour you, but damn I’m choking up today badly.

It’s been a good year in many ways: many new beginnings, new skills learned, new victories, new lessons learned from new failures. I finally became the president of the Board of Directors like I promised you I would, and yet here I am fighting an issue that I would’ve supported wholly when you were alive.

Does that mean I’ve changed since you’ve been gone?

I’ve increased my gym routine. I feel selfish saying it, but I’ve had so much time to pursue things for myself without having to worry about your needs 24/7. That doesn’t mean I ever had one moment of regret. I’d trade everything that has happened in my life this last year if you could’ve been a part of it. In a heartbeat.

I need to stop walking away and crying or this post will never get finished.

It hasn’t gotten any easier. Time hasn’t made me forget. If anything, the longer you’re not in my life any more, the more my heart aches.

I miss you so much.

I still see visions of you when I come home. Your things are still laying around. I can’t bring myself to throw them out. I doubt I ever will.

You are still very much alive in my heart. Only last night, I dreamt of you yet again. They are such bittersweet dreams. Even as I sleep I know it is a dream, and the pain it will cause me anew when I awake, but then, even then, I tell you that I don’t want the dream to ever stop.

One day I will see you again. I have no doubt of it. I know our souls will meet. And while I look forward to that day, I know it may be a very long time before I die, so please be patient.

I love you, Taniqua. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone four years already.

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4 responses to “IV

  1. Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly, it reminds us that we can do better.

    Ignoring, shutting in or running away in emotional situations isn’t all that uncommon or illogical. Forgive yourself if you don’t agree on how you handle things in the past, your open en very personal post now shows you’ve grown in this matter. See it not as regret but the love you have that now reaches only so far to this person.

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