ROC VERSION

It was a day of temptation all around…

I started the morning with another hot, sweaty, hard to breathe run. I had decided to run around the resort I was staying at, getting the lay of the land, so to speak, in case of emergencies. I was like that. I had already memorized fire escape routes, security posts, shift changes, etc; it was force of habit.

While enduring the hellacious run, I ran passed the hotel’s exercise facilities. They looked fantastic, and I could tell from the condensation on the outside of the transparisteel that it was severely air conditioned. Very tempting, but I needed to focus on my running more than any other aspect of my physical training at that time.

I kept running.

Of course, the thing with distance running on a circuit is that you inevitably end up passing by the same landmarks. By my third pass of the gym, I gave in and went for a vigorous high weight, low rep workout. I couldn’t help myself.

An hour later, I returned back to our room. Checking my chrono, it was only 7 AM. By the time I had finished steaming off, all three ladies were awake, hungry, and grumpy, so we headed downstairs for an expensive breakfast buffet.

It was the first time, but definitely not the last, that I noticed how high the percentage of obesity was at this theme park. It was disturbing to be honest. Don’t misunderstand the sentiment here; I wasn’t being judgemental of the individuals. My bitterness and poor attitude were geared towards what our societies had manufactured as the norm. The fact that most of the fat fucks were Amarr was just pure coincidence.

I ate a hearty meal of fresh, uncooked salmon, many fruits, yogurts, mixed nuts, granola and egg whites. While others went for the fatty, albeit delicious red meats and deep fried selections, I wouldn’t give into the temptation … until I did, and had a stack of turkey sausage that was far too high in sodium but utterly heavenly on my tongue.

Then it was off to GalNet Studios.

I had heard about this place for many years, and made a bee line for the first place of interest to me, and probably me alone, the Capsuleer simulator. It was part ride/part show, and meant to give regular citizens of the empires a glimpse into what it was like to be one of the immortal pod pilots that lived amongst the stars throughout eternity. At least that’s what the sign said.

We stood in line for quite some time, and I took it in through all my senses: the sights and sounds, but people’s moods and conversations, always digesting everything around me.

The wait line was well decorated to look like a Sisters of EVE space station. There was great attention to detail, and I have to say, if it wasn’t for the extreme heat, it might have been believable.

The ride itself was ludicrous… the story of a capsuleer pilot that became disengaged from his pod, and needed you, the rider, to save the crew from certain death. I snickered far too much, but I could tell from the saucer eyed patrons that they were eating it up hook, line and sinker.

I also learned pod pilots have theme music apparently, as with every climatic moment throughout the ride and presentation, there was an epic underscore to evoke the appropriate emotional response from the masses. I snickered again.

Upon leaving the ride, I still heard the theme music, as well as some narration, and turned my attention to the “Capsuleer Training Academy” live show, where it appeared young children were being “tested” for their potential as pod pilots. I really couldn’t stop snickering as I moved closer to watch the show.

I had to admit it was cute in a certain way, watching the young ones fumble around while the host tried to keep the show moving forward.

Then there was a dramatic pause, complete with more theme music, and a Jovian came on stage! I put my face in my palm and just laughed while shaking my head while the crowd booed quietly. The young ones combined their efforts and managed to drive the evil Jovian away, all to the applause of the onlookers. The show was over.

I made my way to “Jita”, the souvenir shop for the attraction. I was already smirking to myself as I entered the store, imagining what asinine things I might find for sale.

I stopped laughing seconds after as I saw “Property of Matar Colonel Roc Wieler” T-Shirts, an autographed portrait of myself, as well as the chance to have your photo taken with “Roc Wieler”, which was really nothing more than computer trickery.  Finally, my eyes fell on the “Roc Wieler Action Figure, complete with death grip.” There were countless other gifts and trinkets in the store of course, but I felt suddenly exposed, embarassed, and more than a little claustrophobic.

I couldn’t exit the store fast enough.

“What’s wrong?” a melodious voice asked me.

“Oh, nothing.” I spat out awkwardly, turning to see my beautiful adventure partner waiting for me, slight concern and confusion in her eyes.

From there, we spent the rest of the day enjoying many rides and attractions: talking puppets, scary elevator dropping hotels, rock stars, stunt shows, and even a live-action  “Minmatar Rebellion” performance, which gave me shivers up and down my arms honestly.

One other item of note: I ate a turkey leg. It might not sound like much, but it must’ve weighed 3 pounds. Have you ever tried to eat 3 lbs of meat? I got meat sweats.

That evening, I got some alone time with the beautiful woman I was constantly trying to get to know more intimately. We decided to go for a swim in the pristine resort pool, enjoyed a hot tub together, then retired to the deck to enjoy cigars and drinks.

I got to sleep in the bed again. Let’s leave it at that.

And for once, the baby didn’t cry all night.

REAL VERSION

It was a day of temptation all around…

I started the morning with another hot, sweaty, hard to breathe run. I had decided to run around the resort I was staying at, getting the lay of the land, so to speak, in case of emergencies. I was like that. I had already memorized fire escape routes, security posts, shift changes, etc; it was force of habit.

While enduring the hellacious run, I ran passed the hotel’s exercise facilities. They looked fantastic, and I could tell from the condensation on the outside of the window that it was severely air conditioned. Very tempting, but I needed to focus on my running more than any other aspect of my physical training at that time.

I kept running.

Of course, the thing with distance running on a circuit is that you inevitably end up passing by the same landmarks. By my third pass of the gym, I gave in and went for a vigorous high weight, low rep workout. I couldn’t help myself.

An hour later, I returned back to our room. Checking my watch, it was only 7 AM. I took my time melting away my stresses in a long, hot shower. By the time I had finished, all three ladies were awake, hungry, and grumpy, so we headed downstairs for an expensive breakfast buffet.

It was the first time, but definitely not the last, that I noticed how high the percentage of obesity was at this theme park. It was disturbing to be honest. Don’t misunderstand the sentiment here; I wasn’t being judgemental of the individuals. My bitterness and poor attitude were geared towards what North American society had dictated to be normal. I had been to theme parks in Canada, and never seen that many fat people. It made me wonder how much worse the health issues in America had to be.

I ate a hearty meal of fresh, uncooked salmon, many fruits, yogurts, mixed nuts, granola and egg whites. While others went for the fatty, albeit delicious red meats and deep fried selections, I wouldn’t give into the temptation … until I did, and had a stack of turkey sausage that was far too high in sodium but utterly heavenly on my tongue.

Then it was off to Hollywood Studios.

I had heard about this place for many years, and made a bee line for the first place of interest to me, and probably me alone, the Star Tours simulator. I have been a Star Wars fan since first seeing the film in 1977.  Star Tours was part ride/part show, and meant to give park guests an immersive experience into the Star Wars universe, which was honestly the coolest thing I could ever imagine. At least that’s what the sign said.

Unfortunately, Star Tours was closed. Star Tours II was under construction. All those years of longing, and I had missed it. Figures.

Then I heard the most unmistakable piece of music to ever be composed … the Star Wars theme. I looked around frantically, suddenly feeling about 8 years old, until I saw a glimpse of a Jedi Knight nearby. I was already walking towards him by the time I realized what was going on.

The Jedi Training Academy show was underway.

Younglings with practice lightsabers were learning a very basic routine. I couldn’t help but mime along. Then Vader’s theme played as two stormtroopers took to the stage. I hollered and cheered something fierce. Many of the adults looked at me and scowled, so I returned the look with a quick “Screw you, it’s Vader” on my tongue. My wife wouldn’t have been impressed, but she was off looking for a hat to protect her from the heat, leaving the 8 year old me to enjoy this epic moment in my life fully.

The younglings gathered together and fought off Vader. It was pitiful, yet cute, but I was really hoping he would at least cut one of them down, just to shock a parent or two. Ah well.

When the show was over I made my way to “Tusken Raiders”, the souvenir shop for the attraction. I was already smirking to myself as I entered the store, knowing I would spend far more money here than I could ever justify.

I had never been more right. I bought shirts, I built my own custom lightsaber, I bought a Jedi Training Academy baseball hat for my wife, I bought an Honourary Jedi Master badge for myself… I bought a lot more. A LOT more.

My wife came in just as I was paying for it all. She couldn’t get me out of the store fast enough.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her, trying to avoid an argument over my spending. I knew I wouldn’t spend like that on anything else in Disney, or anywhere else, and that is was a once in a lifetime thing.

“Nothing.” she said, smiling at me, her beautiful brown eyes boring into me. “I’m glad you got your moment.”

I love that woman.

From there, we spent the rest of the day enjoying many rides and attractions: MuppetVision 3D, Tower of Terror, the Aerosmith ride, stunt shows, and even a live-action  “Indiana Jones” performance, which gave me shivers up and down my arms honestly.

One other item of note: I ate a turkey leg. It might not sound like much, but it must’ve weighed 3 pounds. Have you ever tried to eat 3 lbs of meat? I got meat sweats.

That evening, I got some alone time with the beautiful woman I am constantly trying to get to know more intimately. We decided to go for a swim in the pristine resort pool, enjoyed a hot tub together, then retired to the deck to enjoy cigars and drinks.

I got to sleep in the bed again. Let’s leave it at that.

And for once, the baby didn’t cry all night.

ROC VERSION

Ugh. A single night on a hard hotel room floor reminded me of my age as I twisted and stretched, working the kinks and aches from my body.

The baby was crying.

Maybe it was my military training, but I had barely been able to sleep at all from the noise of her screaming throughout the entire night, or maybe I just had no tolerance for children, but either way, I was up. I took a look at my chrono: 4:30 AM. Ugh.

I decided I would go for a jog, clear my mind with some fresh air. I also decided I would get back in the good graces of these two lovely ladies (especially the one without the child) by jogging to Starmart, and picking up some new baby’s milk before anyone else woke up.

Good plan, Roc.

The sliding door to the moon’s artificial atmosphere opened. I was hit with 31 C heat, and immediately felt the full humidity of the environment. I hadn’t even started my run and my clothes were already sticking with wetness.

5 km later, I arrived at Starmart, and walked into what felt like 10 C air conditioning. The extreme shift in temperature was unpleasant, to say the least.

It was then I realized I hadn’t brought my ID or creds with me; I really was exhausted mentally as well as physically, and sure as hell wasn’t running back to get them.

I went to the customer service department, and asked if they had any logs of 2 milk containers being left behind at approximately 9:02 PM the night before. She checked the log, and the security footage, asking me to detail my inquiry.

“We were in aisle 18, the less than 20 items aisle. An older Gallente couple were in front of us with many clothing items; it annoyed me. Aisle 17 opened suddenly, and as I moved lines, an underaged teenager cut across my path with alcohol in his hand. We paid for our products, but somehow forgot that particular bag, as we don’t have a turnstile system back home for bagging. We exited at 9:02 PM.”

I had a memory for details. Again, military training.

The customer service representative was more than a little shocked. Everything I had said transpired to the exact timing of me saying it as the security footage rolled.

I got my two containers of milk, and left the store. One small win for Roc.

Then I realized I had to jog 5 km with two containers of milk in my hands. Granted, the containers were only about 2 pounds apiece, but that adds up a lot, and totally through off my form. I had to adjust my stride significantly, pushing forward with  my shoulders as my arms hung straight.

It was a challenging recreational run. Mind you, running 20 km with a 60 lb backpack on was much worse, but I hadn’t done that in a long while.

I arrived back at the hotel. Everyone was awake. The baby’s mother was shocked and thankful to see milk for her child, and the disarmingly beautiful creature I had taken an interest in slyly smiled at me with that knowing look that she would thank me later in a much more intimate way.

The run was entirely worth it.

We spent the duration of the day at a place called Animal Kingdom. I fully expected pathetic, caged animals, lacking enthusiasm for life. Instead, I was repeatedly impressed and surprised at the sheer size, quality of care, variety of species, interest in every attraction, and more offerings the theme park possessed.

It was truly a good start to my vacation.

That evening, the sister treated us all to an overpriced dinner, which I graciously accepted, and as we retired for the night to our room, I was in for one more very pleasant surprise.

As I started arranging myself on the floor, the beautiful woman that stirred my heart offered me a place beside her on the bed.

“Won’t it be a tight squeeze?” I asked playfully.

“I’m hoping.” she replied coyly, pulling my arm around her chest as I slid into bed beside her.

Now if only someone could stop that baby from crying all damned night.

REAL VERSION

Ugh. A single night on a hard hotel room floor reminded me of my age as I twisted and stretched, working the kinks and aches from my body.

The baby was crying.

I had barely been able to sleep at all from the noise of her screaming throughout the entire night, or maybe it was just the excitement of being at Disney World for the first time in my life. I took a look at my watch: 4:30 AM. Ugh.

I decided I would go for a jog, clear my mind with some fresh air. I also decided I would get back in the good graces of my wife and her sister by jogging over to Walmart and picking up some new baby’s milk before anyone else woke up.

Good plan.

The main doors to the hotel slid open. I was hit with 31 C heat, and immediately felt the full humidity of the environment. I hadn’t even started my run and my clothes were already sticking with wetness.

5 km later, I arrived at Walmart, and walked into what felt like 10 C air conditioning. The extreme shift in temperature was unpleasant, to say the least.

It was then I realized I hadn’t brought my money or credit card with me; I really was exhausted mentally as well as physically, and sure as hell wasn’t running back to get them.

I went to the customer service department, and asked if they had any logs of 2 milk containers being left behind at approximately 9:02 PM the night before. She checked the log, and the security footage, asking me to detail my inquiry.

“We were in aisle 18, the less than 20 items aisle. An older couple were in front of us with many clothing items; it annoyed me. Aisle 17 opened suddenly, and as I moved lines, an underaged teenager cut across my path with alcohol in his hand. We paid for our products, but somehow forgot that particular bag, as we don’t have a turnstile system back home for bagging. We exited at 9:02 PM.”

I had a memory for details ever since I was young.

The customer service representative was more than a little shocked. Everything I had said transpired to the exact timing of me saying it as the security footage rolled.

I got my two containers of milk, and left the store. One small win for me.

Then I realized I had to jog 5 km with two containers of milk in my hands. Granted, the containers were only about 2 pounds apiece, but that adds up a lot, and totally through off my form. I had to adjust my stride significantly, pushing forward with  my shoulders as my arms hung straight.

It was a challenging recreational run. Mind you, running 20 km with a 60 lb backpack on was much worse, but I hadn’t done that in over a decade.

I arrived back at the hotel. Everyone was awake. The baby’s mother was shocked and thankful to see milk for her child, and my disarmingly beautiful wife slyly smiled at me with that knowing look that she would thank me later in a much more intimate way.

The run was entirely worth it.

We spent the duration of the day at Animal Kingdom. I fully expected pathetic, caged animals, lacking enthusiasm for life. Instead, I was repeatedly impressed and surprised at the sheer size, quality of care, variety of species, interest in every attraction, and more offerings the theme park possessed.

I took way too much video.

It was truly a good start to my vacation.

That evening, my sister in law treated us all to an overpriced dinner, which I graciously accepted, and as we retired for the night to our room, I was in for one more very pleasant surprise.

As I started arranging myself on the floor, the beautiful woman that stirs my heart daily offered me a place beside her on the bed.

“Won’t it be a tight squeeze?” I asked playfully.

“I’m hoping.” she replied coyly, pulling my arm around her chest as I slid into bed beside her.

Now if only someone could stop that baby from crying all damned night.

THE ROC VERSION
Leave it to the Caldari to be the most anally retentive of the four empires. As I passed through the security checkpoints in the spaceport, it quickly became clear that this was no place for humour. That was just fine with me, as I wasn’t much in the mood for humour anyway.

Three security checkpoints already: first for planetary customs, the next for citizenship and destination, and finally this one for baggage check. I was traveling light, a small backpack as a carry on for the civilian shuttle. I was on my way to Maynard World.

“Yes, that one.” I heard one of the security personnel say to another as my pack went through the scanner.

“Is there a problem?” I interjected quickly, approaching the older guard who was in the process of opening my personal belongings.

“You have a NeoCom in there, son?” he asked.

“I do. Why, is it showing up as a bomb or something?” I joked reflexively. He became very solemn, very quickly, and leaned forward to me, out of earshot of his fellow security personnel. “I wouldn’t say that word around here if I were you. People ain’t got much of a sense of humour anymore.”

I quickly nodded my thanks, and rephrased my comment. “Hazardous device” I said, my hands miming quotation marks in the air.

Everything checked out, and I was on my way. A short 90 minute wait for the interbus, which arrived on time, a two hour flight, and I arrived on the moon of Vitrauze. Using a courtesy phone at the booking agency, I called ahead to the hotel to ensure my reservations were in order. They weren’t. Lovely.

It didn’t matter how much I argued. They were simply out of room. So here I was, now sitting on a local shuttle enroute to the very hotel that had messed up my vacation and I hadn’t even arrived, concocting a plan for where I was going to stay.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the I couldn’t afford to stay somewhere else, it was simply the principle of it, and the fact that Minmatar are inherently cheap bastards; I had received a great deal on that room, so I was damn well going to get it.

It was then I noticed a young and intoxicatingly beautiful woman casting her seductive glance my way, flirtation and desire clear in her eyes.

Less than an hour later, I was sharing a hotel room with her, her sister, and her sister’s infant daughter.

By share, I mean I wasn’t paying anything, but in return I had to sleep on the floor. No worries; I had endured far worse conditions.

After seeing the incredulous prices on the items stocked in the room, the three of us made our way to Starmart, 7 km away, to get the basics we’d need to survive the five days we were staying together, which meant protein bars, fresh fruits and vegetables, and two types of milk for the baby.

We had a quick dinner, then turned in for an early night. I sat on the balcony, enjoying a cigar, astounded at the heat on this moon. It was hard to breathe deeply in this climate. I would have to keep that in mind as I planned to go running in the morning.

A shout from the gorgeous vixen I had charmed earlier, and I realized something was wrong. Heading inside I got it both barrels: I had lost the baby’s stroller when we first got off the shuttle at the hotel. And I had forgotten to pick up all of the bags at Starmart, and we hadn’t returned with the baby’s milk.

Lovely.

Not even one day in and already the adventure had started.

THE REAL VERSION
I was traveling light, a small backpack as a carry on for the plane from Toronto to Orlando. I was on my way to Disney World for the first time in my life.

“Yes, that one.” I heard one of the security personnel say to another as my pack went through the x-ray scanner.

“Is there a problem?” I interjected quickly, approaching the older guard who was in the process of opening my personal belongings.

“You have a laptop or iPad in there, son?” he asked.

“I do. Why, is it showing up as a bomb or something?” I joked reflexively. He became very solemn, very quickly, and leaned forward to me, out of earshot of his fellow security personnel. “I wouldn’t say that word around here if I were you. People ain’t got much of a sense of humour anymore.”

I quickly nodded my thanks, and rephrased my comment. “Hazardous device” I said, my hands miming quotation marks in the air.

Everything checked out, and I was on my way. A short 90 minute wait for the plane, which arrived on time, a two hour flight, and I arrived at Orlando with my beautiful wife, her sister, and her sister’s infant daughter.

Her sister had invited us to Disney to babysit her daughter one evening for three hours as she attended a work related conference. In return, we would share a nice hotel room with her, she would pick up food expenses, and we would get a discount on our tickets to Disney World. Sweet deal!

Once we got our baggage, we headed to the shuttle bound for our hotel.

Less than an hour later, I had unloaded our things, made our way up to the room, and realized while I slept on the floor, they would be sleeping on a luxurious king sized bed. Sunuva…

After seeing the incredulous prices on the items stocked in the room, the three of us made our way to Walmart, 7 km away, to get the basics we’d need to survive the five days we were staying together, which meant protein bars, fresh fruits and vegetables, and two types of milk for the baby.

We had a quick dinner, then turned in for an early night. I sat on the balcony, trying to escape from the sounds of the screaming baby, astounded at the heat in Orlando. It was hard to breathe deeply in this climate. I would have to keep that in mind as I planned to go running in the morning.

A shout from my gorgeous wife, and I realized something was wrong. Heading inside I got it both barrels: I had lost the baby’s stroller when we first got off the bus at the hotel. And I had forgotten to pick up all of the bags at Walmart, and we hadn’t returned with the baby’s milk.

Lovely.

Not even one day in and already the adventure had started.