VII

Ultimately we are alone in this life. There are those that will join us on our journey, sometimes for only a short while, others for much longer, but at the end of each day we are left to our own thoughts, our emotions, our dreams, our regrets. This is the most glorifying thing I can think of. And the most terrifying.

I miss you. It’s that simple. They say you shouldn’t let it be known you how you feel in this regard, that it shows you’re stuck in the past, not moving forward with your life. That may be true as a part of me will always be stuck with you. You earned that piece of my heart that is forever yours simply by virtue of who you were to me. So I don’t really care what they say. Not one bit. I have no masks to wear.

Not a single day goes by where my heart doesn’t ache for you. I miss talking to you. I miss looking into your beautiful brown eyes and just smiling as you listened to me. I miss holding you close and loving you. Because I do still love you. I always will. Deeply. That’s simply how I am. Once I’ve let you into my heart you are never really kicked out of it and you became a part of me so quickly I didn’t even see it happening until it was already done and there was no going back. Not for me.

I wish I could reach out to you, see you, spend time with you, but it’s simply not an option. I’ve had to accept that the past is gone and only a future without you remains. Don’t get me wrong, my life is amazing and I am deeply happy, but at the same time you added so much to my life that losing you from it is a permanent scar. I will never be as good a man as I could be without you near. You would disagree, but it is a truth of my life I have accepted.

You did make me a better man. You may not have realized just how much you challenged me to grow at the time, but I had to become so much more because of you, wanted to become a better man because of you, always pushing and improving myself to reach my potential, for myself, for you, for my own dreams of life. Thank you for that. Thank you for everything you gave to me. Thank you for the privilege of being a special part of your life, for meeting your needs as nobody else could. You made me feel cherished. You made me feel important, like I mattered even more than I could ever imagine. That’s an amazing feeling.

I try not to dwell as my emotions can overwhelm me. I’m a strong feeler. It’s a blessing and sometimes a curse.

Truth is, I love you more than you ever knew, more than I ever said. I hope I showed you. I hope you knew. You will never be forgotten. That would be impossible. It is my hope that somehow you never forget me either. I can’t ever really know with certainty, hence the hope that I am unforgettable. In the end, there are only memories and hope. I’m a classic romantic like that, a gentleman that believes the best in all things.

When reason fails, there is the heart, and my heart is strong.

I’m rambling.

The point is I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry I didn’t do better. It’s my fault you’re gone, in part. I wonder if I could’ve done anything differently, made better choices, but in the end that will just drive me crazy, and crazy I am not. Passionate and driven, yes. Full of regret, yes. Would do it all over again in a heartbeat, yes.

Our time together seems so short in hindsight even though we experienced so much. I wish I had more time with you. A single lifetime wasn’t long enough. I was barely getting to know you, and loving every moment we shared. You never judged. You were a real friend. And so much more.

Yet even now when I think of you, I smile so easily. That’s the affect you have on me still.

I miss you. I love you. You’re gone. My beautiful boy.

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