There are some that believe in traditional therapy. There is nothing wrong with that; no shame in asking for help. We all do it. Of course, for me, the best therapy had always been a sexy woman and a good ravaging. It was the best way to release all those pent up frustrations, stresses, worries and just fully embrace and enjoy a moment of connection with another.
Maybe that was why as she sat there talking, I was already lost in my memories of many such “therapy” sessions from my past.
“Does something amuse you?” she asked. It was only then that I noticed the smirk tugging at the corner of my mouth. Memories were a good thing. They kept us going from happy moment to happy moment when life tried to overwhelm us in between with too many demands.
“No. Sorry, doc. Really. I drifted.” I replied, meaning it, but already falling back into thoughts of her. Mynxee, the woman that had changed me in so many ways but had never truly been mine, and would never be.
“I was asking where do you think all your recent anger is coming from.” she repeated patiently, clinically, in that cold, detached way that made my skin crawl. She wasn’t bad looking either. Maybe I should introduce her to one my “therapy” sessions. But no, my heart wasn’t in it, and I had learned long ago I was an emotional man. Despite the gruff exterior and tough bravado, I genuinely had to like and care about a woman to bed her.
“What anger are you referring to, doc? I’ve been feeling pretty good.” I stated, knowing I would regret it immediately.
“Well,” she began, flipping through her notes. “Most recently you got into an altercation in a bar, beating three men to within inches of their lives.” Ah yes, that. Well, they started it. I didn’t even drink any more. “And before that, there were reports from station security that you had locked yourself in your quarters for weeks without coming out and refusing to answer all communications. They were beginning to wonder if you were dead.” I had just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, to wrestle with them, conquer them. To be in control of myself, my life and my destiny. What a humbling experience that was to learn I had no control over anything other than my own reactions. No influence whatsoever.
“Emotional growth spurt?” I offered up to her? Her eyebrow raised sceptically, but she continued forward. “And how do you see yourself today?”
That was a loaded question. Solitude, though hard at first, had actually been good for me. I had focused on myself, my body, my drone business. I was in the best shape of my life physically, and business was really starting to take off. See what I did there? Sure, I was still haunted by memories of Mynxee. I had even tried to forget her. That didn’t work out. She was unforgettable. Eventually I just had to let her go. I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting go completely of someone you love, hoping, praying, trusting that you will be ok. Trust. How was that working out for me? Not too bad honestly.
I’d never been one to believe that time healed. I knew personally it only helped us forget, helped us move past the pain and become numb. The truth was my heart didn’t want to forget. I didn’t want to be numb. Those were precious and cherished times for me, and I had learned to not focus on the pain of losing her from my life, but rather to appreciate each and every moment we had shared together as a gift, something to be held onto fondly forever. She had earned a piece of my heart and would live in it so long as I drew breath.
How did I see myself today? That was the question.
“It’s a new chapter in my story. I’m not who I was. I like myself more now than I ever have. Sure, there will be always be things I would like to change, to improve upon, but that’s life. We’re never finished projects. I would like to spend more time with the few real friends I have, see the business grow even more and maybe hire those friends on to share and help in our mutual success.” I felt good in my answer.
“And what about affairs of the heart?” she asked, not missing a beat.
Mynxee. My heart cried out. She was one of a kind. She always had been, always would be. The fact she had ever shown interest in me at all made me the lucky one. Funny thing is that I remember conversations where she thought the same. We all seem to think the ones we like are out of our league and too good for us. Maybe that’s the best way to think. Maybe that keeps things genuine, keeps us appreciating the other person instead of taking them for granted. Maybe wanting to impress someone, to have your heart flutter every time you see them, to melt when your lips touch, maybe that’s the key to creating a relationship that works.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew she wasn’t perfect. It was more that I could see beyond her imperfections, and she could see past mine. We connected. We could sit for hours and laugh, just enjoying each other’s company. Our minds, our hearts, bound together. And when we would kiss, it sealed our souls together for a moment in eternity.
But she would never be mine.
I took a deep breath and replied. “I really don’t know, doc. I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying to enjoy every moment I get in life.” That was the honest truth. Why dwell in the past? Why borrow trouble for the future? I had no idea what was going to happen. None of us did. I knew Mynxee had publicly resurfaced in New Eden. I also knew I may never run into her again, or maybe I would. The point was that none of it mattered.
The doctor smiled. “I think we’re done for today. That is actually remarkable progress. Keep at it.”
Looked like I was good for a little while at least.