Tales from the Hole: Wit


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

I sat at the bar, downing another shot, when I was approached by a young woman.

“Wanna hang out?” she asked, a twinkle in her bright eyes. She was attractive by right, just not my type. Besides, I had endured a trying day and wasn’t in the mood for any other company besides my drink.

“Nah. I’m good.” I replied.

Her entire demeanour changed, her face scrunching up into a visage of rage and disgust.

“Fuck you. You think you’re too good to hook up with me? You are a douche bag who is only worried about his muscles, and I hope you die in a hole, you piece of shit. You have no friends and you will spend your pathetic life alone. I’m way too good for you.”

“Thanks for noticing the muscles.” I said as she stormed away.

I sat with the group at the table, all of us laughing. We had been people watching, and engaging in other games of observation, resulting in much merriment. I had always been open to meeting new people, so the evening was quite the delight.

That’s why I had to go and ruin it.

“This is almost as fun as playing ‘Spot the vegan’.” I said as the laughter died down.

“Spot the vegan? Yeah … the vegan is the one who isn’t killing or harming animals just because ‘They taste good’.” one of my new friends replied with quite the angry outburst.

I smiled. “Found the vegan.”

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