Two years since you died, and still the pain inside me grows. The pain at losing you threatens to crush every good memory we had. It’s not healthy I know, but my heart cries out still upon every thought of life without you.

It’s not fair. There are millions out there more deserving of death than you. It was the truest tragedy if ever there was one.

I am still fixated, consumed on the last mental image I have of us; you laying there on your side, kissing me; me holding your face in my hand, tears flowing freely.

It tore out my soul as they gave you the needle, as I watched you breathe your last, as your eyes glazed over, lifeless, to forever haunt me.

No man should ever have to make the choice to end the life of someone he loves so dearly. It’s too painful a responsibility for anyone’s mind and heart to endure.

Yet it was my choice.

The doctors said we could try expensive medicines, and that it might buy you a few more months. Months in which I could watch you slowly wither away, suffering poor quality of life and growing discomfort, simply for the selfishness of having you with me for a little while longer.

I couldn’t do that to you. You deserved better. You deserved the release you got from the pain.

Still.

I had to step away just now to clear my eyes. I find it difficult to even write about you. My heart drowns in never ending misery.

This universe is worse off without you in it.

As time passes, I fear the loss of my memory. I fear not being able to remember every detail about you. I have nothing left but those memories; a few photos, videos, a few articles left that were yours.

And your urn.

I look at you often, hold you close sometimes. Without you I am not the man I was.

Life hasn’t been the same for me. I wrote another song about you, about life inbetween death, about being there until the end. Many love the song. It just moves me to tears everytime I listen.

So much has changed in my life that I would tell you about, but honestly none of it means anything without you to share it with.

Two years.

One day I will join you. We will be reunited. I will be made whole again.

Until that day, know I love you with all that I am, and miss you every day. I still kiss my ring every morning to honour you.

I don’t want to stop writing. I’m afraid when I do it will be as if you’re gone again.

You were my best friend. You understood me like nobody else ever has, and probably never will.

So many things we never got to experience together, to share. And now it’s too late.

I constantly second guess myself you know. Maybe I should’ve told the doctors no. Maybe we could’ve tried the other medicines. Maybe a miracle would’ve happened.

It’s my fault you’re dead. It was my choice.

I still believe it was the right thing to do for you. The pain I feel confirms it. You didn’t suffer. You didn’t decay. You shone brightly, and were extinguished quickly.

I will never stop speaking of your greatness.

I love you Taniqua, and you will always remain alive in me until we are one again.