It was difficult to choose a title for today’s musings. Masks, Game Face, Political Pawns, all applicable and all deserving of their own musing. Yet the content remains the same, so it is what it is.

We’ve heard it said many times, immortality is a gift. Hell, I’ve said it myself to motivate pilots. It’s a responsibility, a gift, an empowerment. It is also the worst curse a man could endure.

I was killed yesterday, in the blink of an eye. I got caught in an ambush and woke up in Hek before I knew what had happened. Another crew lost. Another group of men and women I hardly got to know. I find it difficult to even picture some of their faces. But that is not what I am referring to, callous as that makes me sound.

We’ve all experienced deep and personal loss. The loss of a loved one. We’re going to outlive them you know. We die in our ship; a fresh new body awaits to begin our lives anew. Our loved ones don’t share that luxury. Yes, there is the rare exception of capsuleers falling in love with each other, but for the most part, there is an inherent distrust even among allies. I am referring to civilians. Normals. What we once were.

I lost a loved one earlier this year. My best friend. The pain  of it still hits me regularly, and hits me hard. They say time heals. I say time makes you forget. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want the pain to go away. How could you love someone so dearly only to let them pass from existence by not remembering every detail, every scent, every moment of who they are? It is a grave injustice.

Maybe one day I will join him. Despite our boasting, our immortality isn’t real is it. We can die just like anyone else if we’re caught outside our pod. You wouldn’t know it the way we act, brazenly warping into battle, rash actions causing the deaths of our crews on a regular basis. We are cold and heartless, us capsuleers. Perhaps that is why we are as hated as we are revered. God willing, I will never lose sync with my own humanity.

God willing. I wonder if it was God that willed our current cloning technologies. Perhaps it was in His design for us to be one step closer to Him through it, though I doubt He would smile on our application of it. Maybe the Jovians were wiped out because it wasn’t what God intended. Then again, I am sure there are many things God never intended. My own slavery as a child for starters. The deaths of my crews. Humanity as a whole massacaring each other for no truly inspired reason. God willing. I think not.

I think we’ve forgotten God. I think we’ve replaced Him with ourselves. I am not willing to do that. My best friend is no longer with me. I must believe he is with God. It is the only way I stay sane. It is the only way I sleep at night.

It is a steep cost. I wonder how long I will be able to afford it.