Wikipedia defines road rage as “Aggressive or angry behavior by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle.” That seems a little weak to me. Roc’s definition?

“Road rage is the extreme emo reaction of bad drivers to the actions of even worse drivers.”

Anyway, today isn’t about road rage (though if you follow my Twitter you would know I got ass-ended while walking by a taxi cab last night, literally, and suffered extreme road rage). Today is about a new phrase I want to encourage all my viewers to start using … “Cell Rage”

Cell Rage isn’t getting all hyped over the latest smart phone or cellular technology, no. Cell Rage shall henceforth be known as:

“the justifiable reaction of regular people to the extreme and repetitive stupidities of ignorant cell phone users; read ‘those idiots that shouldn’t have cell phones to begin with.'”

To get us started with our social propagation experiment, I present to you my top 5 list of things people do that cause me to experience Cell Rage personally.

#5 Physical Gestures

Just last night on the train ride home, I watched this woman talking with her one free hand, gesturing wildly, nodding her head vigorously during the conversation. She isn’t the only one I’ve witnessed doing this. Let me be clear:

The person on the other end of the phone cannot SEE you! My God is it ever annoying to watch someone engage in a dramatic performance for a public audience of everyone but the person they are talking to!

#4 Loud and Lost

Ok, this one is frustrating. I can appreciate that maybe you’re hard of hearing and need to have a super annoying ring tone set to full volume on your phone. What I can’t understand is why you have to:

A. Leave your phone in your “magic purse of endless storage”. You know, that bag they carry with enough supplies to assist any third world nation suffering from natural disaster, yet somehow they can’t seem to find their phone buried within it?

Seriously? What’s the point of having the phone if you’re not even going to be able to find it to answer it? Is it for emergency outgoing calls only? Then why do you have the ringer so bloody loud? If you’re going to use your phone, put it in your pocket!

B. Choose to ignore your phone when it’s ringing. Nobody wants to hear your crappy “I’m a Slave for you” Britney Spears ring tone fagboy. Just reach down, push the button that every single cell phone known to man has on it that silences the ringer, and do us all a bloody favour. Or just shoot yourself in the face. Repeatedly.

#3 Modern Boombox

Firstly, I don’t care what anyone else says, it doesn’t matter what song you play through a cell phone’s external speaker at full volume; it’s going to sound like shit! Secondly, like I said to BritneyLover72 above, nobody wants to hear your crappy songs! You’re not impressing anyone but yourself, and even then, you’re failing epically.

It reminds me of the 80s, you know, when you had to workout for five months straight simply to be able to hold one of those big silver, cassette playing boom boxes on your shoulder for more than three minutes? It wasn’t cool then, Leroy, and it ain’t cool now.

Put on some headphones, and if they’re the cheap ass Apple ones that come with your iPod/iTouch/iPhone remember that they suck and everyone can hear your shitacular music anyway. Unless you’re playing One Night of Roc; that’s encouraged.

#2 TMI

“Like oh my god, it was totally gross. It looked like a snake wearing a sweater. I wasn’t putting THAT in my mouth. Could you, like, imagine, totally gag? Oh my god no! I, like, totally made him do that in a tissue. No, you’re a skanky ho. Ok, I gotta go bitch, like, some creepy guy is watching me talk on my phone. TTYL!”

Seriously, fucking SERIOUSLY, do I have to say anything more?

#1 I can’t hear you

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TALK EVEN LOUDER BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU ON THE OTHER END OF THE CALL!!!”

This just makes me drop my head in disgust at people. How freakin’ hard is it to figure out the junior school grade science behind this? Ears are for listening; mouth is for talking. If you cannot hear someone on the other end of your crappy phone, you speaking louder into the phone is NOT going to solve the issue. Try turning up the volume on your handset; that is what controls the volume for hearing, numbnuts.

Speaking louder is only going to result in #2, and possibly #5, and will definitely incite cell rage in the person on the other end that can hear you just fine and you are now bursting their eardrums with your stupidity. Nice one, jackass.

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I’m going to stop here. I’m getting angry just thinking about this topic any longer.

So spread the word. “Cell rage” is our new phrase unless I’ve already missed the boat and there’s some type of catch phrase circulating to describe this horrible phenomenon.

While you’re at it, list your cell rage stories or top 5 irritants. I look forward to lessening our pain through sharing.