Yes, I realize it’s Friday but this story deserves to be shared.
I had just finished a four day stint as a slow boat scout for Grifters along the Heimatar Region’s outer edge. It was a lot of long hours alone with my thoughts, staring into the dark tapestry of space. Comm silence was a must as we still weren’t sure of the capabilities of this potentially new enemy. My tour was over and I docked back at the familiar station that had my stuff. It was good to be home.
As soon as I had entered my quarters, my pants were kicked off to a random place on the floor. From there I immediately had the large screen monitor on, and was already grabbing a beer from the fridge. I walked towards my comfy spot on the sofa, you know, the center sectional cushion where my ass grove was, and stood for a moment watching the screen.
It was then that I farted.
We all fart. It wasn’t some grand embarrassing event. There was no thunderous applause. It’s a natural bodily function. Then I sat down to take in some video entertainment, completely unaware that I was essentially sitting in my own gas cloud, and breathed in deeply.
I choked out loud at the toxic smell, my eyes immediately watering, as I ate my own fart. It was horrid and gag worthy.
I laughed at the absurdity of the moment. Who sits in their own fart? My laughter turned into a belly busting affair, which made me cry more, and the exertion on my stomach brought more farts with it.
It was a vicious cycle. Gas, smell, laugh, cry.
In a way I’m thankful there was nobody in my chambers with me. I wager I was quite the sight; curled up on the couch with my arms around my mid-section, as I laughed and cried simultaneously while playing an Amarrian symphony out of my ass (if you’d ever heard what the Amarr call “classical music” you’d understand the aptness of this analogy).
After several minutes of this, I finally regained control of myself, wiped the tears from my eyes, and enjoyed a few beers while watching television.
To be honest, nothing on the monitor ended up being anywhere near as entertaining.
I’m down for sex and violence, but I don’t believe I have gathered enough skill as a writer to tackle farting. 😉