ROC VERSION

It was a day of temptation all around…

I started the morning with another hot, sweaty, hard to breathe run. I had decided to run around the resort I was staying at, getting the lay of the land, so to speak, in case of emergencies. I was like that. I had already memorized fire escape routes, security posts, shift changes, etc; it was force of habit.

While enduring the hellacious run, I ran passed the hotel’s exercise facilities. They looked fantastic, and I could tell from the condensation on the outside of the transparisteel that it was severely air conditioned. Very tempting, but I needed to focus on my running more than any other aspect of my physical training at that time.

I kept running.

Of course, the thing with distance running on a circuit is that you inevitably end up passing by the same landmarks. By my third pass of the gym, I gave in and went for a vigorous high weight, low rep workout. I couldn’t help myself.

An hour later, I returned back to our room. Checking my chrono, it was only 7 AM. By the time I had finished steaming off, all three ladies were awake, hungry, and grumpy, so we headed downstairs for an expensive breakfast buffet.

It was the first time, but definitely not the last, that I noticed how high the percentage of obesity was at this theme park. It was disturbing to be honest. Don’t misunderstand the sentiment here; I wasn’t being judgemental of the individuals. My bitterness and poor attitude were geared towards what our societies had manufactured as the norm. The fact that most of the fat fucks were Amarr was just pure coincidence.

I ate a hearty meal of fresh, uncooked salmon, many fruits, yogurts, mixed nuts, granola and egg whites. While others went for the fatty, albeit delicious red meats and deep fried selections, I wouldn’t give into the temptation … until I did, and had a stack of turkey sausage that was far too high in sodium but utterly heavenly on my tongue.

Then it was off to GalNet Studios.

I had heard about this place for many years, and made a bee line for the first place of interest to me, and probably me alone, the Capsuleer simulator. It was part ride/part show, and meant to give regular citizens of the empires a glimpse into what it was like to be one of the immortal pod pilots that lived amongst the stars throughout eternity. At least that’s what the sign said.

We stood in line for quite some time, and I took it in through all my senses: the sights and sounds, but people’s moods and conversations, always digesting everything around me.

The wait line was well decorated to look like a Sisters of EVE space station. There was great attention to detail, and I have to say, if it wasn’t for the extreme heat, it might have been believable.

The ride itself was ludicrous… the story of a capsuleer pilot that became disengaged from his pod, and needed you, the rider, to save the crew from certain death. I snickered far too much, but I could tell from the saucer eyed patrons that they were eating it up hook, line and sinker.

I also learned pod pilots have theme music apparently, as with every climatic moment throughout the ride and presentation, there was an epic underscore to evoke the appropriate emotional response from the masses. I snickered again.

Upon leaving the ride, I still heard the theme music, as well as some narration, and turned my attention to the “Capsuleer Training Academy” live show, where it appeared young children were being “tested” for their potential as pod pilots. I really couldn’t stop snickering as I moved closer to watch the show.

I had to admit it was cute in a certain way, watching the young ones fumble around while the host tried to keep the show moving forward.

Then there was a dramatic pause, complete with more theme music, and a Jovian came on stage! I put my face in my palm and just laughed while shaking my head while the crowd booed quietly. The young ones combined their efforts and managed to drive the evil Jovian away, all to the applause of the onlookers. The show was over.

I made my way to “Jita”, the souvenir shop for the attraction. I was already smirking to myself as I entered the store, imagining what asinine things I might find for sale.

I stopped laughing seconds after as I saw “Property of Matar Colonel Roc Wieler” T-Shirts, an autographed portrait of myself, as well as the chance to have your photo taken with “Roc Wieler”, which was really nothing more than computer trickery.  Finally, my eyes fell on the “Roc Wieler Action Figure, complete with death grip.” There were countless other gifts and trinkets in the store of course, but I felt suddenly exposed, embarassed, and more than a little claustrophobic.

I couldn’t exit the store fast enough.

“What’s wrong?” a melodious voice asked me.

“Oh, nothing.” I spat out awkwardly, turning to see my beautiful adventure partner waiting for me, slight concern and confusion in her eyes.

From there, we spent the rest of the day enjoying many rides and attractions: talking puppets, scary elevator dropping hotels, rock stars, stunt shows, and even a live-action  “Minmatar Rebellion” performance, which gave me shivers up and down my arms honestly.

One other item of note: I ate a turkey leg. It might not sound like much, but it must’ve weighed 3 pounds. Have you ever tried to eat 3 lbs of meat? I got meat sweats.

That evening, I got some alone time with the beautiful woman I was constantly trying to get to know more intimately. We decided to go for a swim in the pristine resort pool, enjoyed a hot tub together, then retired to the deck to enjoy cigars and drinks.

I got to sleep in the bed again. Let’s leave it at that.

And for once, the baby didn’t cry all night.

REAL VERSION

It was a day of temptation all around…

I started the morning with another hot, sweaty, hard to breathe run. I had decided to run around the resort I was staying at, getting the lay of the land, so to speak, in case of emergencies. I was like that. I had already memorized fire escape routes, security posts, shift changes, etc; it was force of habit.

While enduring the hellacious run, I ran passed the hotel’s exercise facilities. They looked fantastic, and I could tell from the condensation on the outside of the window that it was severely air conditioned. Very tempting, but I needed to focus on my running more than any other aspect of my physical training at that time.

I kept running.

Of course, the thing with distance running on a circuit is that you inevitably end up passing by the same landmarks. By my third pass of the gym, I gave in and went for a vigorous high weight, low rep workout. I couldn’t help myself.

An hour later, I returned back to our room. Checking my watch, it was only 7 AM. I took my time melting away my stresses in a long, hot shower. By the time I had finished, all three ladies were awake, hungry, and grumpy, so we headed downstairs for an expensive breakfast buffet.

It was the first time, but definitely not the last, that I noticed how high the percentage of obesity was at this theme park. It was disturbing to be honest. Don’t misunderstand the sentiment here; I wasn’t being judgemental of the individuals. My bitterness and poor attitude were geared towards what North American society had dictated to be normal. I had been to theme parks in Canada, and never seen that many fat people. It made me wonder how much worse the health issues in America had to be.

I ate a hearty meal of fresh, uncooked salmon, many fruits, yogurts, mixed nuts, granola and egg whites. While others went for the fatty, albeit delicious red meats and deep fried selections, I wouldn’t give into the temptation … until I did, and had a stack of turkey sausage that was far too high in sodium but utterly heavenly on my tongue.

Then it was off to Hollywood Studios.

I had heard about this place for many years, and made a bee line for the first place of interest to me, and probably me alone, the Star Tours simulator. I have been a Star Wars fan since first seeing the film in 1977.  Star Tours was part ride/part show, and meant to give park guests an immersive experience into the Star Wars universe, which was honestly the coolest thing I could ever imagine. At least that’s what the sign said.

Unfortunately, Star Tours was closed. Star Tours II was under construction. All those years of longing, and I had missed it. Figures.

Then I heard the most unmistakable piece of music to ever be composed … the Star Wars theme. I looked around frantically, suddenly feeling about 8 years old, until I saw a glimpse of a Jedi Knight nearby. I was already walking towards him by the time I realized what was going on.

The Jedi Training Academy show was underway.

Younglings with practice lightsabers were learning a very basic routine. I couldn’t help but mime along. Then Vader’s theme played as two stormtroopers took to the stage. I hollered and cheered something fierce. Many of the adults looked at me and scowled, so I returned the look with a quick “Screw you, it’s Vader” on my tongue. My wife wouldn’t have been impressed, but she was off looking for a hat to protect her from the heat, leaving the 8 year old me to enjoy this epic moment in my life fully.

The younglings gathered together and fought off Vader. It was pitiful, yet cute, but I was really hoping he would at least cut one of them down, just to shock a parent or two. Ah well.

When the show was over I made my way to “Tusken Raiders”, the souvenir shop for the attraction. I was already smirking to myself as I entered the store, knowing I would spend far more money here than I could ever justify.

I had never been more right. I bought shirts, I built my own custom lightsaber, I bought a Jedi Training Academy baseball hat for my wife, I bought an Honourary Jedi Master badge for myself… I bought a lot more. A LOT more.

My wife came in just as I was paying for it all. She couldn’t get me out of the store fast enough.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her, trying to avoid an argument over my spending. I knew I wouldn’t spend like that on anything else in Disney, or anywhere else, and that is was a once in a lifetime thing.

“Nothing.” she said, smiling at me, her beautiful brown eyes boring into me. “I’m glad you got your moment.”

I love that woman.

From there, we spent the rest of the day enjoying many rides and attractions: MuppetVision 3D, Tower of Terror, the Aerosmith ride, stunt shows, and even a live-action  “Indiana Jones” performance, which gave me shivers up and down my arms honestly.

One other item of note: I ate a turkey leg. It might not sound like much, but it must’ve weighed 3 pounds. Have you ever tried to eat 3 lbs of meat? I got meat sweats.

That evening, I got some alone time with the beautiful woman I am constantly trying to get to know more intimately. We decided to go for a swim in the pristine resort pool, enjoyed a hot tub together, then retired to the deck to enjoy cigars and drinks.

I got to sleep in the bed again. Let’s leave it at that.

And for once, the baby didn’t cry all night.