DAL STATION
PERSONAL QUARTERS
COLONEL ROC WIELER
3:32 AM

I can’t sleep. Part of me wants to, to go back to the dream of you I awoke from. Another part of me is afraid to dream again; to have my heart hope and long for you only to awaken and have you gone, my heart broken anew. 

There are tears in my eyes. I feel no shame in them. My chest feels tight and constricted, like my heart has swollen up well beyond its regular size, threatening to burst itself against my rib cage. It’s hard to breathe, and I find myself swallowing often. I feel like I am swimming through mud, with no sense of direction, no way to surface for air. I am lost. I am alone.

I can’t smile. I miss you too much. 

4:18AM

No point in even trying to sleep; it’s not going to happen, not on this day. I lay in my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling; no desire to get up and face the universe; no desire to continue hiding in the comfort and safety of my warm blankets. I have no desire to do anything but be with you.

I can’t believe you’ve been gone a full year already. Pain plucks at my heart strings even to mentally acknowledge it, new tears streaming down my face.

More than anything, I miss your company. I was always able to talk to you about anything and everything, good and bad, knowing you accepted and loved me completely; and there’s a lot going on in my life these days. I miss looking into your soft, brown eyes. I miss knowing there was always someone there that would love me unconditionally, that needed me as much as I still need you.

I love you.

4:48 AM

I place my palms against the wall of the steaming hot shower directly under the showerhead. I lean my weight against my braced arms, hanging my head. I can’t stop crying, and I don’t really care. My body feels sore and old, heavy; it is all I can do to keep standing, my knees weak, threatening to buckle.

For ten years you were my best friend; it was the best decade of my life. There are times I want to curse and scream that you were taken from me too soon, times I can’t see beyond the loss I feel poignantly with every thought of you. I want to blame someone. I often blame myself. I want to demand some type of cosmic justice, some explanation as to why you were taken so young, so healthy. It’s not right. It will never be right.

Still, I am thankful to have known you at all. You brought so much joy into my life, saved me from my own misery and depression; I honestly don’t think I’d still be here if it wasn’t for you, my friend. The downward spiral I was in threatened to destroy me and any close to me, but then there was you. There was always you. 

Wave after wave of memories flood my mind, I cling to each fleeting recollection, recalling every scent, every sound, every sight, every emotion you brought to life within me.

I remember when I tried to teach you to swim in the ocean, carrying you in my arms into the crashing waves, then dropping you into the cold water. I thought it was the best way at the time. You cried, thrashing against the water, struggling for the shore, and I felt so much guilt and foolishness. I picked you back up into the warmth of my embrace quickly, holding you against me, apologizing for scaring you. You never did like water after that.

I recall when I first brought you home; you had never seen stairs before. It took us months of working together, you and I, one step at time, until you finally were confident enough on your own to traverse them, though mastering going down the stairs was something you never quite achieved. 

Some of my best memories are of our walks in the park, or our long walks on frozen lakes in the winters, you really did love the cold season. You gave me a new appreciation for things I had never really paid attention to before. Thank you for that.

I remember sadly the times I disciplined you. Even though necessary, I still wonder if I went overboard sometimes, but in the end, you turned out to be very well mannered and personable, so I like to think I did right by you.

More tears. It hurts inside.

5:12 AM

I sit on my couch, holding your urn, my lips trembling, the corners of mouth pulling down into a grimace involuntarily. This is all I have left of you; this and my treasured memories. 

I hold you close to my chest, clutching at you desperately. I want to see you again. I pray that one day I will. I have to believe you’re in Heaven, or a better place somewhere, I simply have to. 

Clinging to that at least gives me the hope that we will be together again some day. To let go of that is to let go of you, to accept that you are forever gone from my life and that is something I am simply not willing to do, something I cannot do. Ever.

You had so much to offer to so many. There wasn’t a single person we ever met that didn’t love you. You were smart, you were beautiful, and people just found themselves attracted to your personality. You are irreplaceable.

I gently place your urn back in the glass cabinet, taking great care to not upset it in any way. 

I bought a ring right after you died, you know. I had your name, birthday and death day engraved on the inside of it. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t looked at that ring fondly and missed you in a heartfelt way. You are the first thought of my day, and my last thought at night.

I raise my fist to my mouth and kiss your ring.

6:22 AM

I head towards the office. I have zero motivation to work today. I want to crumble into myself, alone, brood over my loss. I know that’s not healthy; I know that’s not what you want for me, but it is how I feel. I am raw. I am vulnerable and completely exposed. I try to bottle up my pain sometimes, as we all do I suppose, but I don’t care right now what anyone else has gone through; this is my pain, and that’s all I have room for today. 

Don’t get me wrong. I remember you fondly. In fact, it’s the sheer immensity of the joy you brought to my life that makes me miss you so, but I can linger on the good times as well. You made me laugh like nobody else could. You were my best friend.

A lady passes by me on the station walkway, early as the hour is, and wishes me a good morning. “Morning.” I reply, there’s nothing good about it today.

I realize I’ve forgotten my NeoCom, something I never do. I grunt to myself at the irony of that. The device I use the most to keep integrated to everything outside of myself is forgotten as I dwell inside of myself thinking of you. How fitting. You always have affected me so.

7:14 AM

I don’t want to be here. There is always work waiting for me, always people rushing and demanding for things now, but you know what? None of it really matters. What if I did just walk out today? Would the universe really collapse? I hardly think so. People are spoiled. People are in too much of a rush all of the time. You reminded me of that daily. You taught me how to enjoy each moment, how to savour each experience fully. Thank you.

9:16 AM

I want to drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. I could justify it by saying it’s a toast to you, a tribute to your memory, but I’d only be lying to us both. Besides, I don’t want to numb the pain, not to sound self-pitying or masochistic. They say “Time heals all”, but I say “Time makes you forget.” I don’t ever want to forget you. I don’t ever, for even a moment, want to fail to remember how it felt to hold your head in my arms, looking down at your beautiful face as you died. You couldn’t speak. You didn’t cry. You simply looked at me with thanks in your eyes, knowing it was the right decision. I’m thankful one of us did. It was the most painful decision I’ve ever had to make in my life, but you’re correct, it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t bear to see you suffer another moment. I’ve suffered every moment since.

I know without a doubt that while my life contains much happiness, I will never be complete, never be whole without you. How could I be? There was only one of you, and what you brought into my life cannot be duplicated, or improved upon. 

My life will be ok, it will just never be 100% of what it should be. Not without you.

10:19 AM

I want to do something special to commemorate this occasion, but I am at a loss for ideas. I want to get another tattoo, a symbolic etching for the word love, as you fulfilled that in my life more than any other. But do I get a new tattoo every year symbolizing some new aspect of my life you’ve added to? That will be a lot of tattoos.

Maybe I should get a simple “tick mark”, like criminals etch into the walls of their cells to count the days and years they are incarcerated. I would get that inked over my heart. Maybe I will do that.

Or maybe I will just continue to write these memoirs in your honour. I started them because of you. I didn’t know how to deal with the loss of you; I still don’t. 

I dedicated the last CD I produced to you. It didn’t sell well, but you still inspire me to this day. My eyes are red from all the tears this morning. I don’t wipe them away.

I’m just rambling now, my emotions scattered and illogical. I feel pulled in so many different directions internally. I could just shut it all off, put back on my personna, be the Colonel, but that isn’t fair to either of us.

You deserve so much more than I can give. My words are not enough to do justice to your memory. What could be?

I wish everyone had met you. I wish everyone could have known you like I did. All our lives would be better for it, that much is for certain.

I wish you were still here. I wish that more than I wish anything else in this life.

I hope you are at peace now. I hope you still know how I love you so. You mean so much to me, so much you’ll never know; and I’d like to take this time to say “I love you.”

I will always remember and cherish you, Taniqua.