OOC: Been sick the last few days, and finding it difficult to focus on writing, though I hope none of you have noticed. As such, brain is a little fuzzy right now, so writing something that’s been half-formed in my mind for a while.

—

I have many nightmares, about many things. It seems to be one of the many curses of being a pod pilot. The mind doesn’t forget the horrors of surviving multiple lifetimes. From torture, to sudden death, to lost love, to many other angsts, a capsuleer must learn to work through it all. Insanity is not as far fetched an idea as some would like to believe for the immortal life we lead. Some pod pilots I know don’t even question their insanity, which is generally the first indication that one is truly losing their touch with reality. I value my life; I enjoy my life; I fight for my life; life is the most precious gift anyone can enjoy.

—

I sat eagerly by the riverbank, fishing poles gathered in my small arms, anxiously awaiting Master Cho. We had gone fishing only a handful of times, and as I looked at the small rowboat tied to a post in front of me, my heart swelled with affection for my master. I enjoyed the peace and quiet. I enjoyed the personal time spent with such a powerful and busy man. I felt special that he found me worthy of his free time, as a man of his power and influence must not have a lot of free time to spare.

I had dug up the worms myself only this morning. There was something satisfying about working my hands into fresh, dark soil, unearthing the squirming worms within its fertile grasp. It felt good; it felt right. I was a part of the natural order, as surely as these worms were.

I looked down the riverbank, and saw Master Cho approaching. I waved emphatically with one arm, nearly losing hold of the precious fishing rods, but managed to keep them clasped against my chest, a fervent smile on my face as he drew closer. I didn’t always understand the man, but I was learning much from him; lessons I would cherish the rest of my life. His wisdom beggared description.

I untethered the small wooden rowboat once he was seated, and took the oars in hand, rowing us out to the center of this small and serene lake. It was still early in the morning, and the sun had only just begun to rise. It promised to be a hot day ahead. We never spoke much during our fishing trips, and when we did, it felt warm and friendly. He really cared about me, and was patient with me as I grew in understanding.

Our lines had sat in the water for a good fifteen minutes before I felt the first nibble. I quickly reeled my line in; a little too excitedly, as the fish that had tested the bait wasn’t on the end of my line. I replaced my worm, and tried again.

Master Cho managed to catch a couple of small fish, which he released back into the water, while I was left with nothing on my side of the boat. I decided to exercise patience this time, play with the fish, lure them into a false sense of safety, urging them to believe there was no danger presented from the meal within its reach. All they had to do was take a full bite, and they would know the joy of a satisfying meal. There!

I squealed slightly, feeling my line pull against me suddenly, strongly. I had to put my foot against the side of the boat, the sudden yanking on my arms threatening to pull the rod from my grip. I must’ve caught a monster! I pulled on the line, trying to bring in the excess line, while letting it out in small intervals, so as not to snap it, or to let the gigantic fish get away.

I managed to get the line to the side of the boat, but was drained. I could see the size of the fish beside the boat. It was bigger than I had dreamed, but I knew I would have trouble getting it in the boat myself. I also knew asking my master for help would be a failure, so I buckled down my grit, and heaved on the line. The boat rocked back and forth, as I fought to lift this massive fish out of its element. I had it out of the water, almost threatening to capsize us in the process, when the line snapped, and the fish disappeared back into the murky depths. The backlash sent me flying against Master Cho, and my foot kicked up, sending one of the oars into the water.

Master Cho steadied me, a frown upon his face, and I flushed with embarassment. I immediately scanned around to find the lost oar, which ordinarily floated, but this one had a heavy metal rung to secure it to the boat, and had apparently sank, as did my heart.

“Lean over the boat and see if you can get a view of where it may have sank to.” Master Cho said. I propped my arms on the side of our small boat, and peered over into the water.

Suddenly, I felt a vise like grip on my neck, and my head was plunged below the water’s surface. The air escaped my lungs in shock, and I struggled in vain against the iron grip of my master. My first thought was of outrage! It was only an oar! It was only a fish! Why was he getting so angry? I flailed around, my arms reaching back to try to free myself from his arm, to escape this watery grave. My lungs started filling with water.

He yanked me above the surface. I was about to yell my defiance at him, when I was plunged beneath the water again, barely able to collect half a lungful of air before being surrounded again by a watery tomb. I thrashed as mightily as my small frame would allow, but there was no escaping the finality of my master’s grip. Water slid into my lungs. I cursed him silently, screaming into the water, air bubbles rising to the surface. It was just a stupid oar!

I was pulled up once again. I turned, the dark fury in my eyes piercing daggers of death and hatred towards him. I still couldn’t breath, my lungs full of water. I sat there, coughing up fluid, trying to bring my emotions into words against him, but could not. Then, I was driven beneath the water again, by his same unrelenting grip.

There was nothing I could do stop it. There was no way I could overpower this man. I was going to die. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want it to end like this. What a stupid death it would be! I found new reserves of strength, and fought back once more. It was still to no avail, but I didn’t stop fighting. He wasn’t letting me back up this time. He meant to kill me. Panic aided my attempts to free myself, and my kicking and punching became even more emphatic. I knew my lungs were no good to me anymore, as I saw the corners of my vision begin to darken. I felt sleepy. I would not succumb. I would not give up. I directed all my energy into a final violent burst, yet still I remained beneath the water’s surface.

And then, I was gasping air, while puking up water all over the boat. Master Cho released me, and sat across from me, his arms at his sides, a neutral and placid expression on his face. My chest rose and fell with the exertion of breathing in fresh breaths, but I glared death at him while I recovered. I had my words ready, my mind stringing them together in the most obscene string possible. I continued spitting up water while drawing in breath, biding my time until I was ready to unleash verbal punishment towards him.

Finally, as I was about to speak, he held up his hand, palm outwards, and spoke. “When you seek truth as passionately as you just sought life, then you will understand today’s lesson.”

What?!? Was he really trying to justify this? Was he really sitting there, holier than thou, expecting me to buy his line of dung? When I seek truth as I have sought life… what kind of crap was that?

Then, against all the rage threatening to boil over within me, it clicked and made sense. Dammit. He made sense. He never planned on killing me, but to teach me this lesson I had to believe his sincerity. I had to crave life. I had to crave and appreciate each breath I was taking. Dammit. Why did he have to make sense?

My anger diffused. I knew he was referring to God when he spoke of truth, but that wasn’t the path for me. God was not the greater truth of life, certainly not the Amarr God. Still, the lesson itself was valuable.

I rowed us back to the shore with one paddle, and Master Cho departed without so much as a goodbye, leaving me to finish up on my own.

—

Truth greater than life was just one more reason I joined the militia. The Amarr needed to learn truth. The Amarr needed to understand that nobody deserved enslavement. The Amarr needed to learn that they died just as easily as anyone else; that their God would not save them. I would be the bearer of truth to the Amarr, and my message would be delivered with the weapons of war.

I have been wickedly thorough in delivering this message to them, again and again and again. Thanks Cho, may your corpse rot in hell.