Despite my constant sarcasm and cynical view on things, I am actually a content and happy man in most respects. I like the person I am. I like the life I’ve built for myself. I enjoy my work. Even still, there are times when all the negatives in life simply weigh down on me. I’ve had some people tell me “Well don’t let things bother you.” or “Just let it slide off of your shoulders.” But that is simply not me. I work through issues. Setting things aside doesn’t resolve them, in my opinion. It only sets them aside, often allowing them to choose when to come back and bite you in the ass, usually at the most unexpected times. So no, when something is pressing down on my heart and mind, I work through it until it no longer has any power over me.

Three days ago was the annual remembrance gathering for my people to pay tribute to the many Matari that fell to gain our people freedom in the great war. I was there of course, as I am every year. This year was different for me, and particularly emotional, though you wouldn’t have known had you seen me. This year we’d gone to war ourselves, against the very same enemy. For generations there was a fragile peace. Now there was only pain and suffering. This year I achieved the rank of Colonel, something I had dreamed of for a very long time, something my own father told me to never wish for. “Pray you never even need serve in the military” he would say. My father served a minimum tour of duty when he was younger. I figured his words were those of a coward. He was right though. The things I’ve seen in this war, the deeds I’ve done. I never imagined such atrocities existed, or that I would engage in such despicable acts myself without hesitation. I felt closer to my great great great grandfather this year, the first Colonel Wieler in our family line. I felt like I had a better understanding as to what type of man he was, to what type of man I had become. Like I said, I am a happy person, but life was weighing me down.

I heard from Sam yesterday. His voice wavered and crackled. You could hear him crying. My bitter views got the best of me again. My immediate assumption was that he had been kidnapped; that the Amarr were torturing him, and I already had at least fifty different rescue scenarios worked out in my mind based on whatever was going to be said next. Instead, Sam shared with me a family tragedy he was going through. It hit me hard. Not just because Sam was my friend. Not just because deep down I am actually a caring person. It hit me hard because it pulled up all kinds of unresolved memories from when my best friend died on April 24th of this year. I know, I know, I said I don’t push things aside; work through them. Well, add hypocritical to the list of things weighing heavy on my shoulders. I simply couldn’t resolve those feelings at the time, so forced them deep down, in order that I could function. We need to function as people. If we don’t, it alienates those closest who would help us in the darkness. At the time that might seem like a good idea, I know it has to me in the past, but it doesn’t serve us well in the long run. So as those unresolved emotions flooded me while I listened to Sam, I found myself crying, a true rarity, and as he ended the conversation, I just sat on my sofa sobbing, remembering vividly the pain I felt when my best friend passed away; the pain I still feel each and every day. It’s a feeling of uselessness; of being completely powerless. It’s not a sensation I enjoy. I bought a ring when my best friend died. On the inside, it has his name, birthday and death date. My fleet knows that if I get podded, they are to recover my corpse. Morbid as that may sound, I haven’t lost that ring. So yes, I understood what Sam was going through.

Then there’s work. Our CEO had apparently been fighting a serious illness for months, off and on, and I didn’t even know. Just goes to show how self absorbed I could be. Some of the junior roles in the corp whispered that it’s Jovian sickness, but to me that’s a load of bunk.

And yet I am fortunate in so many ways. There are so many supportive people out there believing in me, in my potential, in everything I do. And I am appreciative. And yet it’s just something more for my broad shoulders to bear. Expectations.

All these thoughts and more filled my mind as I swayed back and forth, part of the rythmic motion that came from travelling on the magtrain. I just needed to get out of pod for a bit. I needed some open space to clear my thoughts, to find happiness in the midst of life’s storms. The irony isn’t lost on me that a crowded train isn’t exactly open space, but it is what it is, and there I was.

I overheard a commotion and turned around. When a magtrain stops at a station, each car of the train has a set of sliding doors that open to the adjoining platform. A small warning chime sounds to let would be passengers know the doors are about to close, and they will have to take the next train. Seated between one of the doors happened to be two teenaged Brutors, with multiple body piercings, trendy and meaningless tattoos, and a fistful of attitude. Their legs were stretched across the entryway, forcing passengers to physically step over the two brutors’ legs to get on or off the train. One of the teens had a Guristas logo across his ripped TShirt, while the other spouted obscenities at nearby people. Laying where their feet met was a backpack, a further hindrance to those wishing to enter or leave the train.

I politely and slowly made my way towards that doorway; it took a few stops. I took another evaluative glance of the two thugs. “What the fuck are you looking at old man? You want to suck my fucking cock or something?” His associate laughed as if this was the funniest thing ever said. I turned away slightly, much to their satisfaction. “That’s right.” the more vocal and articulate of the two said. They were easily younger than me by fifteen years; and each of them looked more solid, and taller than me, though it was hard to be sure with them seated. But you know the rule:

“Never start a fight you can win.”

As the chime sounded, and the doors to this car of the magtrain began to close, I took action.

I quickly punted their backpack out of the doorway, just before the doors sealed shut. I ignored the string of obscenities that followed, and the forthcoming threats as they stood to face me. They were indeed both much bigger than me. The one on the left stood with his feet facing slightly outward; means he has weak knees from improper walking posture. One on the right wore about six pounds of facial jewellery; need I say more?

I could feel the rage starting to consume me as I cracked my knuckles and walked towards them. This was exactly what I needed right then to distract myself from my worries. This was going to be fun. 

Life is not a fairy tale. There are no magical happy endings. Life can be an adventure however; it is what we make it, like so very many things. A part of me was saddened that it had come to this; one Matari teaching two others a lesson; that we were reduced to fighting amongst ourselves. It’s this ignorance and lack of basic respect for one another that starts wars in the first place.

Yet there we were. And for me, right then, right there, it was a simple happiness.