That was incredibly satisfying. I laid a fair amount of ISK across the clerk’s desk to cover  expenses, then walked out of the video arcade, a huge smile on my face. 

“I love video games.” I thought to myself with childlike glee.

20 minutes earlier

I hadn’t been back to the Hole in days now. Have you ever tried finding a new bar to call your own? It’s not as easy as you might think. I could ramble on about just that.

I had been wandering around the esplanade on this station in Rens VI for almost two hours without much luck. Oh ho, what’s this? An interweb cafe? Cafe made it sound a little gay to me, but I chanced a venture inside. 

Not really a bar, but it provided public access to the interweb. It apparently also allowed for locally networked gaming. When I was younger, I really enjoyed video games. Flight simulators were my favourite. It’s one of the reasons I became a pod pilot. I decided to sit down and play some games.

I couldn’t find any flight sims, but there was a first person shooter game in progress called “Mortal Fatality Fighter Instincts Turbo” so I decided to join in. 

I lost my first game in under 20 seconds. I figured there must be something wrong with my user interface device, so I moved to another terminal. 

I lasted 30 seconds in the next round.

Something was apparently faulty. I’m good at videogames; or at least I thought I was. I kept losing to someone named l1kmy@ss1128. I didn’t know what kind of name that is, even on the interweb.

After a few more matches, I was getting pretty frustrated. I am a determined one though; I hate giving up until I win. I had just lost another match when I saw a little message window popup on the screen. “Why don u go home loser?” it said. I could feel my eye tic startup, and the vein in my forehead begin to throb. I quickly typed in my reply. “Let’s go again.” We did, several times, with me losing painfully each time. And the ridicule continued, becoming more insulting, more abrasive and more difficult to decipher each time.

“U r a fag. U fukin suck balls.”*

I was furious. “Listen you little snot,” I typed. “If you weren’t hiding behind your system, you wouldn’t think you’re so tough then, believe you me.”

“Oooooo, im so scared of you faggot. Let me call my friends over so they can watch me kick your ass again.”

If I ever, and I mean EVER, found out who this punk was, I would … wait, what was that sound?

I listened again. I could hear teenaged boys laughing, then the word ‘faggot’. I slowly stood from my station, and looked in the direction of the sound. There were a group of five teenaged Caldari boys at another unit in the cafe. I could hear their conversation.

“And then he says he’ll kick my ass if he ever found me, so I told him he’s a faggot.” They all laughed.

Really? I mouthed a quiet thank you to God, whom amongst the trillions of inhabitants with access to the interweb, blessed me enough to have my dumb idiot seated in the same gay cafe as me.

I quietly stood up and slowly made my way to where they were. I had to keep clenching and unclenching my fists to keep myself focused, the excitement almost too much for me to bear. When I reached them, I simply asked “Excuse me, l1kmy@ass1128?”. The seated Caldari turned reactively to see whom was addressing him. Thank you!

I placed my large hand on top of his head, pushing flat against the skull before closing my fingers into a tightly balled fist. This ensures that the head hair is pulled from the root, not just loose strands. It allows you much better control of your opponent. 

“Round One!” I yelled, trying to sound like the game announcer.

I then quickly and effortlessly placed his face through his monitor. There was smoke, sparks, and a bit of noise, but otherwise nothing. The boy passed out. Yeah, I thought as much. And what was that smell? Was that urine? Oh man. I turned to the other four. “Anyone else?”

They were all white as ghosts, shaking their heads profusely, hands in surrender, backing away. I turned back to l1kmy@ass1128, and leaned my head close to his ear.

“I win, bitch.”

* editor’s note: all teenaged asshats quote will be translated into readable English.