After everything I’ve been through, I’m still smiling. Not because I’m strong but because I’m crazy. Now that should scare you.

Be proud, but never satisfied. 

When life shuts a door, open it again. That’s how doors work.

More than anything else, your job is to keep her happy.

Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don’t have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.

When someone is bitching and moaning about all the reasons an idea can’t work – ask them for three reasons why it can.

Winning the girl isn’t enough. Winning her every day of your life is what matters.

Monsters are real. They look like people.

Remember, almost every hand you have ever shaken has had a dick in it.

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.