You look like I need a beer.

Fart when someone hugs you. It will make them feel strong.

Don’t be so busy building a good life that you forget to live a good life.

When I’m down and someone tells me to “suck it up”, I want to break both of their legs and tell them to “walk it off”.

Always verify before congratulating pregnancy. She just may be fat. 

Fear is the cockblocker of dreams. 

The foolishness of the few is worth more than the wisdom of the masses.

If he remembers your eye colour after the first date, you probably have small tits. 

Sometimes I feel like giving up, then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong.

That’s a horrible idea. What time?