I haven’t slept in so many days I have lost track of counting. Counting on my fingers, my toes, too many numbers, not enough toes. My toes need a manicure; I haven’t pampered myself in so long. I cringe at the thought of a young Brutor slave boy massaging my feet, compelling him to massage further, to touch me. Don’t touch me! I recoil at the thought of myself being touched, touching others. There are so many others to touch; so many others being touched, being affected.
I am affected deeply. Deeply touched.
So deep are my concerns that I have to act; act like nothing is wrong; act on the guilt that overwhelms me, threatening to destroy my soul. It is overwhelming. My soul needs rest. No rest for the wicked.
We are all wicked. Wicked actions, actions justified as righteous, righteousness defines our culture; culture defines our wickedness.
We are holy. We are Amarr.
Amarr enforcing our views of God on others. God never enforced his views on us. God is dead. Death would be welcome save for having to face dead God and explain myself.
Where did we go wrong? Wrong is an understatement that makes me laugh nervously. Nervously, I conceal my laughter lest anyone else should see. I see it all now. I see the infinitely headed snake that has become our people. Our people are afraid and ignorant. Our people are powerful. Afraid of losing power is what drives the Empress. The Empress is the figurehead of the snake of the power of the fearful of dead God.
I’m still thinking of the young Brutor slave boy. Boy I’m tired. Tired of not doing what I know is right, what is truly righteous; only then will I know my soul’s freedom. Freedom for Matari is the only way. Way too costly to myself to be exposed.
I will expose it all. All need to be humbled. Humility is in my possession. Am I possessed? Obsessed? Obsession explains faith in dead God. Obsession with power over others brings blissful blindness to powerless of self. I’m so lost. I’m profound.
I’ve found the way to true enlightenment. Enlightenment brings peace to me to the Amarr to the galaxy. The galaxy needs peace. Too many wars fought over power. Absolute power corrupts. Power corrupts absolutely. Absolutely we’re a corrupted power. Power of God compels you! Compelling and powerful arguments to justify doing nothing.
Nothing will change. Change will bring me nothingness.
I am alone in the nothingness. Alone to do what must be done. Undone.
My nerves are undone and shot. I will be shot; executed. My plan will be executed. It cannot be stopped.
Who do I hear? I hear the Empress has gone insane. I am insane for standing against our traditions, our cultural beliefs. Beliefs define a people. People define a belief. Oxymoron.
I’ve been called a moron, never an oxy, but I know the truth. Truth is perception. My eyes disagree. I disagree with dead God and our tradition of cultural slavery.
Why can’t I stop thinking of the Brutor slave boy? I miss his gentle caress, the way he holds me.
Hold myself together until the end. The end is nigh; repent and your soul will be saved!
I’ve saved myself for my holy mission; my divine task. I am a weapon for the future.
The imminent future has a bullet waiting for me. I wait for me. I don’t remember what I am waiting for.
For fear has left me incapacitated. I incapacitated the guards standing watch outside the Imperial Crusade’s central network AI core. Core beliefs hold the Empire together, the Empress says. She says she is God’s voice. Voices are all I hear anymore. Any more and I will lose my mind. I don’t mind being the one dead God chose for this. This is what needs to be done. To be undone. Am I undone? Have I been detected? Did the alarm sound?
I sound alarmed. I detect it in my own breathing. I need to keep breathing. Is that second guard breathing? His skull is bleeding.
Our people bleed. So much blood on our hands that cannot be washed, on our conscience. Science we introduced to the rest of New Eden. They thanked us. We thanked them. Them the Matari were thanked with enslavement. We are enslaved to our own narrow views.
I view the AI core and move forward. Forward thinking, forward planning; I will do what dead God that is not the Empress has called me to do.
Do you know? Knowing and not doing is worse than never having known. But I know.
I know I am losing my grip on reality. Reality is perception. Is reality truth then?
Then my hands are quickly sweeping over the keyboards, entering highest level commands. Command will find out. I will be outed as a homosexual, I will be outed from the Order. Order keeps Chaos in check. I check the AI core and run more routines.
Routines make us complacent. Routines bring comfort. A massage would be comforting.
Comforting to know I am finally doing what is right, what is left to be done. Is that right? I’ve left the room. Do I turn right or left? I am confused.
Confused as to what my future will bring. Bring death to a limited and timed future I’m sure.
I’m sure I’ve done what was needed. Needs and wants are always different.
A different point of view.
View my sins. I am exposed.
The Empress is surrounded by her guards. She smiles. I smile. Am I happy or disgusted? Disgusted by what we’ve become as a people? People disgust me. I disgust myself.
I restrain myself. The guards restrain me also.
Also I know my life is forfeit now.
Now forfeit is the Amarr Empire. Dead to me.
I am dead soon. That will be a nice change.
Change is nice. Nice to be making change.
I have changed my ways, my views.
My last view is the Empress barking orders to her dogs. I’ll miss my slaver hound. I’ve hounded the Empire for the last time.
My time is up.
I look up past the Empress God to dead God beyond.