I’ve had a very special friend in my life. I’ve known her for decades now, since our youth. The story of how we met is quite the funny one, but is not the point of this tale.
Today is about apologies, mine to her, and how I miss our friendship.
When we were younger, our tribes were of very different status, mine being the poorer, less socially acceptable of the two. Though this never came into play between us, it was something that found root in me. It was the beginning of the blackness.
As the years carried on, we grew closer in so many ways, yet it was that black root of bitterness, self righteousness, judgement, jealousy, anger, entitlement, that grew more. I always wanted to be where she was in life. I wanted the big house. I wanted the money, the power, the friends, the status, the brains, the respect. Doesn’t everyone?
All she has ever given is that which she has always wanted; love, respect, compassion, understanding, patience, passion, forgiveness, support. It put her even higher on that pedestal in my mind.
She has always seen me for more than I am. She has always believed in my greater potential. And while I often allowed myself to feel judgement at that, it was never her intent. She is truly a pure spirit. Yes, she has her faults, we all do, but that is not the point here.
The point is that throughout all these years, I have continually disappointed her. Don’t misunderstand. I haven’t disappointed her as a person; in fact I still find it hard to accept that she hasn’t given up on me. No, I disappointed her in never keeping my word; never sticking with commitments made.
And yet even still, through marriage and motherhood, she continued to extend her heart to me, to extend of herself. Always she was there to make the first move, to open the first invitation, to constantly allow me to be part of her life. And yet always there was a reason I was not there (though some were legitimate).
This was our relationship until a few months ago. I betrayed her trust once again, in what proved to be the last time. I have only myself to blame.
I knew in my heart I just had to reach out to her and all would be right again. Yet I did not. In fact, as the months passed, it was she that called me, humbling me and reminding me once again just how love, even between friends, knows no barriers.
We talked at length about why this pattern existed, and what we could do to break it. It was emotionally raw and open. She even offered to put the past behind us, and build a friendship anew. She apologized for the way I felt, and for anything she had ever done to add to that. I told her I would write her a communication with my own apologies, my own thoughts.
That was two weeks ago. Once again, I didn’t follow through with things.
It’s sad really. I am actually very reliable in every other area of my life. Why do I allow myself to act differently with her?
Enough is enough.
I picked up my communicator and called her. I told her my excuses. I told her the apology was coming.
April, here I am, missing being a part of your life. I am sorry for hurting you repeatedly. I am sorry for not doing what I say.
I don’t want to lose our friendship. I don’t want to live within my own negative perceptions of how things have been between us.
If you’re willing, I am willing to build a new and better friendship.
I hope to hear from you soon.